Reckless
by Rolivianna
Summary: She was on a reckless path. Olivia/Amanda pairing. Rating for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Characters do not belong to me, storyline and any original character does.**

 **This is something new that I decided to do after encouragement to write more Rolivia fanfics. (I wrote "Wish I Knew You, which is posted on my friend's account, lalarandoms here on .)**

 **So here you go. Enjoy. :)**

"Amanda will you please open the door?"

Amanda rolled her eyes and took another swig from the bottle of jack. She had no intentions of talking to her boss right now. She had no intention of talking to anyone at the moment. In fact, she had half a mind to just give up completely. On her job, on trying to be a good person and detective, on everything.

"Amanda.." She heard her boss' voice once again, and it sent a fresh new wave of tears running down her cheeks. She wouldn't be surprised of they tasted like whiskey, with the amount that she'd been consuming.

The blonde rolled her eyes, set the bottle down, and got up from her couch, making her way to her door.

"Go away, Lieutenant." She garbled, voice scratchy from the whiskey. "I don't wanna talk to you." It was childish, but she didn't give a fuck.

"I don't care, open the door."

She did then, ready to give her boss hell for bothering her. For forcing her to put the bottle down. "What the fuck do you want?" She hissed, brushing her matted blonde waves away from her eyes. "I thought you suspending my ass meant that you didn't wanna see me."

Olivia rolls her eyes, smelling the strong scent of the Jack Daniels on the younger woman, "You know why I did it, you know it's what's be-"

"It's what's best for me, I get it."

Olivia dipped her head down, trying to catch Amanda's eyes, " _Right,_ so will you please let me in so I can talk to you?"

"What more do you have to say?"

"Plenty."

Amanda scoffed, but moved away from the door anyway, leaving it open. She avoided her boss' eyes completely as she took another swig out of the bottle. "What do you need, Lieutenant."

"How much of that did you drink? Was it a full bottle?"

"I've been sipping it all day. Why do you care? Not like I have a job to be sober for."

Olivia sighed, knowing there'd be hostility towards her for her actions. "I suspended you because you were getting reckless.. You're proving my point right now.. Amanda this bottle is almost empty.."

"I have workin' eyes." Her accent was thicker due to the alcohol, and on any other occasion, Olivia would have thought it was attractive.

"Can you say the same about your liver?"

"I'm not an alcoholic."

"Right."

"I'm _not_ ," Amanda hissed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You'd know what an alcoholic is-"

She stopped herself before she could finish the sentence, but the damage was done.

Olivia flinches, but collects herself. "Right, so.. So dump the rest of that and whatever else you have here. My mother never did that no matter how many times I asked. Prove to me that you aren't an alcoholic." Her voice wavered, but stayed demanding and authoritative.

"Fine."

Olivia followed the younger woman, watched with bated breath as Amanda a dumped what was left of the jack, then poured two full bottles of wine and what looked like vodka down the drain.

"You can be mad at me Amanda, but I care about you and I don't wanna see you end up-"

Amanda shook her head, "I get it." She bit, moving past Olivia and into the living room, arms crossed over her chest. "One addiction is enough, adding alcohol to the mix isn't the brightest idea." She said, calming down. The effects of the Jack making her tired and weak.

"No it's not." Olivia smiled sadly. "You need this time off, get your head straight, gather your bearings, and when you come back, you'll be back in full swing. I want to help you, Amanda. I-"

"Why?" Amanda cuts Olivia off, turning to face the older woman. "You haven't been here for me through this whole time I've worked with you, so why now?"

Olivia flinches, "I.. Understand that well, Maybe I wasn't so welcoming when you first got here, and I was hostile towards you after the whole um.. Lewis thing.. but I never _didn't_ care about you, Amanda.. You have to know that." She moved towards Amanda.

Amanda sighed but didn't answer, either too drunk to form coherent sentences, or just at a loss for words. "You should get some rest," Olivia continued, picking at the edge of her nail. "I could leave and let you rest or stay and let you rest, but you need to let this alcohol run it's course and then we need to have a talk."

"Thought that's what we were doing," she heard Amanda mumble.

Olivia pressed her lips together and shook her head. "If you aren't going to take this seriously then I'm going to go and we can chat again when I think you're ready for work… And at this rate, it doesn't look like anytime soon."

Amanda moves towards her bedroom then, "You can watch tv or just go home or something, I'll text you when I'm up."

Amanda sighed as she closed the door to her bedroom. Her brain was all jumbled up, she didn't even know if Olivia was really here or a figure of her imagination, her conscious telling her what was best for her. She knew alcohol didn't really have that effect on her though.

She threw on some pajamas and laid down in her bed, worn from her day. It wasn't even 6 PM. Her digital clock sat in her vision and the offensive green color made her head hurt.

She closed her eyes, and in moments, she was asleep.

….

Nearly 5 hours later, Amanda found herself staring at the woman who lay sleeping on her couch. The thought of Noah fluttered through her mind, but she figured Olivia would have left if she needed to be with him. She'd strewn a blanket out over the older woman and set a glass of water by her on the coffee table, then made her way into the kitchen to order some food.

Alcohol wasn't her best friend, but it didn't completely ruin her. She'd stopped having hangovers in her twenties, learned what to do to avoid them. She was surprised though, when she woke up without a headache at least, but decided to take some pain killer just in case.

She ordered salad and pasta from an italian place that delivered, then made her way back into the living room, seeing that her boss had woken up.

"When did you fall asleep?" Amanda asked quietly, sitting down at the other end of the couch.

"Uh.. Maybe only an hour ago.. Not sure." Her voice was hoarse with sleep and Amanda couldn't help the tingling in her lower belly. It was kind of sexy. "I talked to Lucy, she said that she needed to get some studying done, and she can't do that with her roommate around so she's staying at my place. Noah's already asleep."

Amanda nodded and subconsciously tucked her feet under the throw blanket. Her feet had always been cold. "Well, I ordered Italian, but if you wanna get home to Noah, then-"

"I really did come here to talk to you," Olivia stretched, arching a little bit, then ran a hand through her hair. "I wanted to ask you why you've been so uh.."

"Reckless? That's the word you used earlier."

"Right."

"I don't know why. I'd like to know, but I don't."

Olivia nodded in understanding. "Well, I gave you this time off-"

"Suspension."

Amanda watched Olivia sigh in exasperation, " _I suspended you_ , because you need to figure that out. And work on it. I can't have you risking your life or the lives of others."

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier. About your mom."

Olivia scooted closer to the younger woman, placing a hand on her knee, "I know you didn't mean it. I could tell you regretted saying it. You're already forgiven."

"I can't help myself sometimes. I try so hard to be a good detective and I try not to think about gambling and I try to keep the alcohol intake at a moderate rate, but.. I just.." Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. "I'm so alone, and I wish I had someone to help me through all of this, but at the same time, I want to do this myself, prove to everyone who's doubted me or _is_ doubting me that I'm stronger than my addiction."

Olivia furrowed her brow, "Amanda, you _do_ have someone. And there's nothing to prove. You should know that by now. How long has it been since you last gambled?"

Amanda tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear and looked down at her hands in her lap, "8 months. Almost ruined it today though."

"But you _didn't._ Isn't that the point? You have control over it. More than you think. You've already proved to everyone that you can do this. Kicking an addiction takes time." The older woman nudges Amanda's foot with her own as she scoots closer to the younger woman, "And as for you being a good detective… You're one of the best I've ever met. Reckless sometimes, Daring.. But you're compassionate and capable and smart. Give yourself more credit, Rollins."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was sure that Olivia held resentment towards her. Disliked her, looked down on her because of her choices and actions and because she wasn't as experienced and knowledgeable as her Lieutenant was. Hearing these words, the sincerity in the older woman's voice was crippling. She craved this, Olivia's approval. She didn't know how much she really craved it until she got it. She'd never admit it out loud, but damn, it was terrifyingly true.

She feels stupid for acting the way she has been at work. Like she's invincible, and not in a good way. Reckless. Like if something bad happened to her, nobody would really care. The way Olivia looked at her, the worry and concern and compassion in her eyes tells the younger woman that nobody caring was far from the truth.

"Amanda?"

The blonde looked up at her superior, eyes glassy with unshed tears which seemed to be an ongoing thing for her lately. "Liv, that means a lot. Really. I just.. I'm at a loss for words."

Olivia smiled softly, then let out a sigh, "Is.. Is your addiction the only reason you've been drinking?" Her words were cautious as she spoke, almost as if she were worried that the younger woman would bolt if she spoke too fast or forcefully.

Amanda chuckles humorlessly, "Anyone ever tell you you're nosy?" Her tone is snappy, but soft.

Of course it's not. Her life is shit most of the time, tiresome the rest of the time. She doesn't drink to forget, thoughts don't just leave her mind. Ever. She drinks to lessen the pain sometimes. She knows she'll never be able to forget her dark past, the shit that she went through.

"Liv, I'm talked out. Honestly." She deflects, hoping her boss would drop the subject easily.

Olivia presses her lips together and shrugs the blanket off her body, "Fair enough. I should give you your privacy. Your food should be here soon." She stands up and stretches, and Amanda can't help but let her eyes wander. The way her boss' back arches as her arms stretch above her head. The way her untucked blouse rides up, exposing tan skin.

She finds herself speaking before thinking, "You can stay if you want."

Olivia smiles and drapes the blanket over her subordinate, "I appreciate the offer but I'm sure the sitter wants to go home at some point. It's getting pretty late."

Amanda nods, blue eyes locking on brown ones as she subconsciously nestles into the soft material of her blanket. "Right." And suddenly, she's feeling that desperate need. But it's not for Olivia's approval, or the need to be better or the need to be less foolish. It's a new one. A new feeling and it's consuming. She doesn't want Olivia to go. She doesn't want to talk about her shitty life, but she doesn't want to be alone again. Alone is when she thinks about everything that went wrong in her life, everything that she fucked up. After she'd sobered earlier that evening, after she and Olivia had settled into a calming conversation, she felt comfortable. A sense of contentedness that she hadn't felt in years.

But instead of begging her boss to stay, instead of crying because of how alone she'd be after the older woman leaves, she stood up and walked her boss to the door. Lip fastened firmly between her teeth, fingers picking at the skin by her nails.

"I think, alongside GA meetings, you should see a therapist," Olivia started, and Amanda rolled her eyes in response, a frown covered her face, "I mean it. I know you won't talk to me about it but you _need_ to talk to someone. I know there's something else you're not telling me, and I'm not going to pressure you, but Amanda, I really don't like seeing you in pain."

"Oh, please, Olivia. Really? You don't like seeing me in pain? So the past few years must have been rough for ya, because it's never went away. And you're right, I'm don't need'ta talk to you about anything because it's none of your business. I don't need a shrink."

"You do if you want to come off suspension."

Amanda grits her teeth, "What the fuck are you talking about, Benson?" She growls, feeling tears prick at her eyes, her cheeks going hot with anger. "You gonna make me talk to some doctor before I come back to work?"

"It's protocol for any officer suspended for reckless behavior to talk to a shrink before they're cleared for duty. You know that." Olivia bites back. "You have a lot to work through, and we both know it can't be fixed or helped on your own, or even with my support." Her voice softens, "It's not a bad thing to need help, Amanda."

Amanda shakes her head running a hand through unkempt blonde locks, "I'll work on it. You said I can come back when I'm more stable on my feet. I will be."

She could see that Olivia didn't really accept her reply, but doesn't say anything. "No more drinking and no more reckless behavior. I will see a shrink, I'll get cleared, and I'll be back."

"I have no doubt you will be back, but what I'm saying is that you need help for.. For the personal aspect of your life.. Being emotionally stable on the job and being emotionally stable off the job is not the same thing."

"I know that."

Olivia nods, "Alright. Well, I'm gonna.." She motions to the door, opening it and seeing a delivery boy walking down the hallway. "Don't hesitate to call me, Amanda. Or text. I'm here for you as a friend and a confident if you want it."

"Thanks, Liv." Amanda looks down at the floor, avoiding eye contact.

A few hours later, Amanda was cuddled up under her covers in bed, unable to sleep. Her mind kept drifting to her boss. The emotions she was feeling were new and ones that she wasn't sure she knew how to control. The way Olivia had been so completely honest with her, had comforted her, had reminded her that she had someone in her corner, someone who cared for her.

She knew that something had changed slightly inside of her after Olivia left. She didn't want to turn into what she was before she moved to New York, and it was for different reasons now.

She wanted to be better.

She wanted to be not broken.

She wanted to live her life again, not just exist around her job and her addiction.

She _really_ wanted to make Olivia Benson proud of her.

 **Hopefully I can keep this going, but I'm gonna need some encouragement. I wrote another Rolivia story, my friend LalaRandoms uploaded it, and all of the comments asking me to write more inspired me. Leave your thoughts in the review section, let me know how I did, and if I should continue it. It's rough starting out, but I'll get more into the feel of it as I go.**

 **-Anna**


	2. Chapter 2

**So reviews are slow, but I'm gaining confidence in this story! Please let me know how you feel about it. This is a slow burn, but trust me, there will be Rolivia as an end game.**

 **Enjoy. :)**

 **Chapter 2**

The next day brought a throbbing headache to Amanda. She'd seen it coming with the amount of alcohol she'd consumed the day before, but it was worse than expected. It was barely noon, and the thought of doing anything that day, like make her appointment with a shrink, or even getting out of bed seemed nearly impossible.

She checked her phone, seeing that there was a text from Olivia. The thought of the older woman brought a small smile to her face, but it quickly disappeared when she remembered the conversations she'd had with her.

 _Good morning. Hope you're feeling better today._

She groaned and tossed her phone beside her onto the bed, foregoing a reply. Her night had been restless, she'd tossed and turned, woke up sweating with hair matted to her forehead. Memories and nightmares plagued her mind.

She shuddered at the thought. Her nights were starting to look like this more often.

Today was her second full day on suspension, and she was going crazy. She would usually be able to occupy herself with paperwork, as boring as it is, it helped. Now she doesn't even have that. She wants to blame Olivia, but she knows deep down that she has no one to blame but herself. It was her own actions that had gotten her suspended.

She dragged herself out of her bed, deciding to go for a run.

Besides gambling, running was something that honestly truly took her mind off of everything for a while. It was distracting and it cleared her mind.

She hurriedly got dressed, grabbed something light to eat and some water, not bothering to bring her phone with her. What was the point? Not like she was on call anyway. She made her way out the door, tying her hair up as she made her way out of the building.

…..

Two hours later, she made her way back up the stairs of her apartment, fully worn out, muscles sore from being overworked, but her headache was completely gone, and she felt much better. For the time being.

She was exhausted and hungry, her only meal at all that day being a protein bar and some water.

"Glad to know you're at least alive."

The voice snapped her out of her momentary bliss. Olivia.

"I thought suspension meant I take time off, I can't get time off if you keep botherin' me."

She approached her door, brushing Olivia as she passed her.

"Last night I left and you were half drunk, crying, and frankly, a bit of a mess. I wanted to make sure you were alright and you didn't reply to my text. I got worried." Olivia's voice was exasperated, annoyed. "Did you make an appointment with anyone? I can refer you to my therapist. He's really amazing, he'll get you the help you need and refer you to someone right for you."

Amanda sighed and opened her door, not bothering to answer Olivia. She appreciated the help she was trying to give, but it just made the younger woman feel incompetent. Like she couldn't work her own problems out.

Maybe she couldn't.. Maybe she was incapable of helping anyone or anything, including herself. But accepting Olivia's help would just prove that right and show the older woman that she wasn't as capable a woman as she tried to make herself.

"Amanda, please-"

"Dammit, Olivia. Do you not remember any of the conversations we had last night? I'm a big girl, I can help myself. I appreciate your offer but I know how to do shit on my own." She snapped, tossing her keys on her counter, hands coming to rest on her hips.

Olivia stopped, an eyebrow arched, "Oh you can?"

" _Don't."_ Amanda snapped, moving closer to the older woman. "Don't you dare doubt my abilities. I'm a grown ass woman."

One of the things she remembers from last night, after Olivia had left, was that she'd desperately wanted her boss to be proud of her. She would not get her proudness if she took every bite Olivia threw, she needed to do this on her own. Prove that she could be strong without the help of others. That's what'll get her proudness.

"Amanda, that's not what I'm saying and you know it. Remember what I said yesterday? That it was okay to accept help from others? Well it's time for you to do that. Please let me help you?"

The pleading tone in the brunette's voice caught her completely off guard. She'd never heard that. Never. Olivia was always strong and sure of herself. "Liv, I can do this on my own.."

"And I believe that 100%," Olivia lowers her voice, moving closer to Amanda, who had been leaning against the counter, "but that doesn't mean that you _have to._ Do you get what I'm saying? Think of it… Think of it if roles were reversed, and you thought that I needed your help. Would you want me to take your help? Or be all alone, doing it by myself?"

She didn't think of it like that. "Liv.. that's not the point. Of course I'd want you to accept my help. But.. some things are supposed to be dealt with on their own."

"What you're going through is not something that needs to be ' _dealt with'_ Amanda, this is something that you're really struggling with.. I know there's more to it, which is why I'm pushing so hard for you to see someone."

"Alright fine, Olivia. I'll make an appointment with your.. Your therapist. Okay?"

"That's all I ask."

Amanda let out another sigh, moving to the couch. She plunked down and shot a glance to the older woman. Whatever she was feeling last night seemed to grow. Yes, she was irritated with her boss, but the feeling of neediness towards Olivia was growing overwhelming. It was scary as shit. Choosing to ignore it, she juts her chin out, "Were you just checkin' on me or is there something else you needed?" She doesn't realize how snarky she sounded until the words came out. "I mean, I'm stinky and in need of a shower…"

Olivia smirks and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, "No no, I'll get outta your hair. I really did want to see if you were doing alright."

Amanda gets up, letting out a small groan. "I appreciate it. I'm fine though, so you have no need to worry."

Olivia frowns, "You're wrong.." Her words are quiet, almost careful.

Amanda widens her eyes, "What?"

Olivia leans back against the door, "You know.. I've been through a lot these past few years.. My whole life.. I know some of the feelings you have, Amanda. I know you feel like you need to prove something to someone, or everyone, or whatever.. I know the feeling of wanting to be okay.. The feeling of being lost.. And I see that you're going through that a lot lately. I went through that after the Lewis ordeal.. Both of them.. I felt that when I was undercover at a women's prison.. I don't want you to feel how I did. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced."

The younger woman didn't know what she was expecting to come out of Olivia's mouth, but she was sure it wasn't that. Shocked was too little to describe what she was feeling. Olivia was revealing something she most likely didn't give up easily.

Olivia closed the distance between them, placing both of her hands on Amanda's shoulders. "I'm not saying any of that to make you feel bad for me.. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I'm in your corner.. I want to help, and I want you to know that you don't have to prove anything. I already know how strong you are, how capable you are. Letting me be here for you would just confirm what I already know; you're stronger than you think."

And finally, Amanda let herself cry. It wasn't the _I'm-drunk-and-emotional_ sort of cry, it was the _I'm tired of living like this_ cry. She was ready to make amends. And not to anyone but herself.

Tears flow from her eyes and she presses herself into Olivia's body, overcome with emotion.

She didn't need words, nor did Olivia. She let Olivia wrap her arms around her body, hold her weight as she cried. They were leaning against the door, bodies pressed close together, emotion pouring out of both women.

"It's okay, Amanda.. I promise, it will be okay." Olivia cooed.

Amanda was overwhelmed. Olivia knew so little of her personal life, yet she knew so much about what she was going through.

Amanda tightened her grip around Olivia's waist, burying her face in the crux of the older woman's neck.

This is what she needed. Olivia.

 **Okay so I know it's not exactly perfect still, maybe a little rough, but as I get into the story and the plot unfolds, it's get better.** _ **I kinda promise.**_ **Please let me know what you think, and if I should continue.**

 **-Anna**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Monday morning for Amanda was rough.

Nightmares came and went, more so in the past few years since she's been in New York, but the most recent one was probably the worst she's ever had.

She'd made the appointment with Dr. Lindstrom after Olivia had left the other night, and was lucky enough that the older man could pencil Amanda in as soon as the next week day. She doesn't know how she'd managed something this quick, and on a monday nonetheless, but she had a feeling Olivia had something to do with it.

Olivia had given her his phone number before she left and made the younger woman promise to make an appointment as soon as possible.

Her nightmares consist of memories from the past, mixed in with horrifying cases from the past, and fantasy. She shudders as she thinks about this particular dream, the one she'd had the night before.

It was mostly memories. The reason she'd come to New York, the reason she was so damaged.

As she sat in the waiting room of Dr. Lindstrom's office, she couldn't help but feel nervous. Yes, this was supposed to just be an assessment, but she would be talking about things that she hadn't ever shared with anyone.

Olivia had been right when she said that the reason for her gambling addiction, drinking, reckless behavior, was all part of a deeper reason. That there was more to it. Saying her life was hard, for the most part, was an understatement.

"Amanda Rollins," She heard someone say and she looked up from picking at her nails.

A tall, lanky man stood in the doorway of the doctor's office, a small smile on his face and thin reading glasses perched on his nose.

"It's very nice to meet you, Olivia has told me a lot about you as well as your other squad mates."

He held his hand out and Amanda stood up, shaking it before they made their way into his office. "Nice to meet you too, Doctor."

She sits in one of the leather chairs, and he sits across from her, setting a notepad in his hand. "Now, why don't we start off with why you think you're here this morning?"

"Uh.. Well, I have some.. Problems.. That I need to sort out before I can go back to work."

Dr. Lindstrom nods, no sign of judgment, only seriousness, "I see. I understand you're one of Lieutenant Benson's Detectives? Would you mind telling me how you ended up in SVU? It's a tough job."

Amanda nods, resting her elbows on her knees. This was good. The job was a safe subject. "Well back in Atlanta, I was a Special Victim's detective, first year. I really liked it, despite what we saw every day. Workin' with the victims was something that.. That I felt I needed to do. I moved here after my step dad died, needed a clean break."

"Tell me about that?"

"Livin' in Atlanta?"

"No, your step father passing. How did you feel after?"

They were treading dangerous territory now. Amanda shifts uncomfortably, crossing her arms over her chest. "Uh.. I uh.. It was hard on my mom, they were together for a long time. He's my little sister's daddy."

"I can imagine. I want to know how it affected you though, I assume you two weren't very close… due to lack of response?"

"Nah, we weren't very close." She replies quietly, looking away from the prying man.

"How are you liking it here in New York? Atlanta's a big city, can't be that different, can it?" He asks, changing the subject. Amanda sighs in relief and smiles.

"You'd be surprised by how different they really are. I lived right at the edge of town, so there were more farms and cattle. I used to live on a ranch, so being here in this big city, it's definitely taken some getting used to."

"Would you go back to Atlanta?"

"No." She watched his eyes widen for a split second as he registered the sharp tone that had been in her voice.

"I see. Can you tell me about these problems that you said you have?"

She nods and leans back in the chair, not quite finding a comfortable position. Her nerves had not lessened one bit, and she was growing anxious. "I'm uh.. I'm an addict. Gambling. And my boss suspended me for reckless behavior."

He nods thoughtfully. "I need to ask, but.. Do you have suicidal thoughts? Self harm?"

Amanda shakes her head, "No, nothing like that.. It's more like careless."

"I see. Well, I tell all of my patients this. Every weed has a root. Meaning your problems come from something. Cause and Effect, you know? What I want to work on with you for the next few sessions-"

"Few? I thought you were just givin' me a referral to a therapist?"

"That't the goal, but for me to refer you to the right person, I need to get an understanding on the level and severity of your.. Problems.. You understand?" He gives her a half smile, tapping his pen against his notebook.

"Oh. Okay."

"As I was saying," He continues, slipping his glasses off and leaning forward, "I want to focus on the root cause of why you have the problems that you do. The reason why you gamble, why you're so careless on duty."

Amanda nods, taking a deep breath, debating whether or not she should just say what she needs to out loud, or lie.

She thinks about how relieved Olivia was when she'd agreed to talk to the therapist, and how she wanted to continue to see that look on her face. She was tired of pity and worry.

"The reason I gamble?" She asks, picking at the hem of her sweater.

"Yes, we'll start with that."

She takes another breath, needing all the strength she could possibly muster. "I was raped.. continuously, by my step dad. Gambling took my mind off of it."

…..

She doesn't know why she came here, but the longer it took to get into the apartment building, up the stairs and to the door, the more anxious she got. She should have gone home after her appointment. But she didn't. She instead went to a nearby bar, bought herself one beer, downed it, then left. Not allowing herself the relief of drunkenness. She promised Olivia that she'd try and get better. Throw away her bad habits.

But now she was making her way down a hall she'd only been in once. Stopping at the door of her destination. Olivia's apartment.

She knocked twice, softly, in case Noah was napping, but when she heard a small voice, pitter patter of feet, and the unlocking of the door, she knew she'd interrupted something. She wasn't even sure if Olivia was home, she'd just hoped.

"Amanda?"

"Hey, Liv.. I uh.. I wanted to talk to you.. I can come back though, if you're busy."

Olivia smiled, shifting Noah on her hip. "No, no, please come in. How was your appointment with Dr. Lindstrom?"

No beating around the bush with this woman.

"It uh.. It went.."

Olivia's smile faded, and her dark eyes grazed over Amanda's pale face, seeing tear tracks on her cheeks, red eyes, red nose. "Is everything alright?" Her eyes were caring, concerned.

Before she could respond, Olivia spoke, "Hold that thought…" She grasped Amanda's hand, pulling her deeper into the apartment. She released it and moved to the area where Noah kept his toys. "Baby boy, can you play with your toys while Mommy and her friend make some dinner?"

"I play with da puzzle?" He asks, pointing to a 50 piece jungle animal puzzle sitting on the small bookshelf.

"Sure thing, sweet boy, but be sure to put _all of the pieces back_ when you're done, okay?"

"Okay mommy."

Amanda smiled at the interaction. She found it incredibly beautiful seeing Olivia interacting with Noah, even for a moment. She had always found Olivia very attractive, ever since the day she first saw her. But motherhood.. It added a brightness to the older woman, and it was unlike anything she'd ever seen.

Olivia pulled Amanda into her kitchen, checking to see that she could still keep an eye on her son, then rubbed Amanda's arms softly, up and down. "Amanda, were you crying?" She dips her head, forcing their eyes to connect. "Drinking? Did you drink?" She asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion and irritation.

She must have smelled the beer on her lips. Amanda shook her head, "No! Well, yes, but it was just one beer.. I stopped by a bar after the appointment, but I didn't drink anything more than just one beer."

Olivia sighed but nodded. Her next action shocked Amanda slightly. The older woman brought her hand up to her reddened cheeks, stained from tears, and rubbed the skin there softly with her thumb, almost as if she were trying to take the pain away. "I know it seems rough right now, but I promise you, you're on the right track here, Amanda." Olivia smiles softly, fingers softly tracing the skin on Amanda's cheek.

This kind of contact was new and unfamiliar. Not just because it was her boss, but because nobody had ever been tender with her, caring. It was a scary feeling. Scary but not unwelcome.

"He wants me to come back on Wednesday. Says I have a lot to process and work through."

"I believe it," Olivia frowns, letting her fingers drop from Amanda's cheek. She stays close though, ready to comfort the younger woman if need be.

They're both quiet for a moment, the silence necessary and needed.

"Do you want to have dinner with the kid and I?" Olivia asked, smiling. She opeted to change the subject, giving the younger woman some time to come down from her emotional state. They'd talk later.

Amanda looked at the little boy playing with the puzzle in the living room, then at Olivia's hopeful eyes. She melts. The older woman was becoming her weakness, and she was too tired to fight it. "I'd love to." She smiles softly, wiping her still watery eye as she moves back to put some space between them.

She'd made progress today, and the aspect of anything more, any added feeling to what she was going through already, was exhausting. No matter if the feeling wasn't necessarily bad.

"Well," Olivia sighed, moving to open her refrigerator, "While I make dinner, why don't you go help Noah with that puzzle? Or you can watch some television."

She did. Noah was trying to fit a piece into a spot where it didn't belong, his face contorting in concentration.

"Hi, buddy, do you remember me?" She asked, sitting on the floor next to him, cross legged. When he looked over to his mother, obviously shocked that she'd let a stranger talk to him, Amanda suppressed laughter.

"Say hi to her, baby!" She heard Olivia call from the kitchen.

He turned back to the blonde, waving shyly. He picked up a puzzle piece, the one he'd been working on earlier and held it out to Amanda. "It a Tider. From Jungle Book." He pointed out. It was a tiger, his mouth was open in a ferocious roar.

"I think tigers are scary." Amanda whispers exaggeratedly.

Noah, now completely comfortable with the stranger, giggles, causing Olivia to look up from chopping vegetables. She sees her son and the younger woman sitting on the floor, putting the jungle puzzle together, and her heart warms.

"Tider not scary! Dey ROAR! But I not scared."

Amanda gasps, "You're so brave! I wish I was brave like you."

"You bave." He says knowingly, focusing on his puzzle, and Amanda stands up. She looks over, seeing Olivia, leaning against the wall by the island, staring at her, a dark gaze piercing through her. She slowly movies toward the older woman, not sure what to say.

"My son is a smart boy."

"He's just-"

"He's smart. He knows what you can't seem to believe."

Amanda flinches at the older woman's words. She can't believe it. It was the opposite of true. Ever since the first time her step dad touched her, when she was barely 18, she never thought of herself as a brave person. Weak or pathetic maybe, but not brave. The gambling proved that point.

But being here with this woman, her son, she was flooded with new emotion.

She was terrified of voiceing these feelings at the next session with Dr. Lindstrom. She didn't want to admit them to anyone- ever.

She was falling for her boss. It was the worst time, with someone it wouldn't work with, simply because they were superior and subordinate. Because Olivia was straight, and because the younger woman found it extremely hard to believe that anyone, especially Olivia Benson, would feel anything other than pity for her.

 **This chapter had a lot packed into it! I'm starting to get into the groove. See, feelings are starting to bud! It's going to take time though. You know how angsty these two have to be. It's not Rolivia without angst. Reviews are very much welcome! I love seeing the nice things you all have to say! (Wouldn't mind constructive criticism either, just keep it constructive and not hurtful!)**

 **-Anna**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"I'm glad you decided to come back, Amanda. It may not seem like it now, but you're already on the right path." Dr. Lindstrom smiles, crossing an ankle over his knee.

Amanda adjusts in the chair, elbows resting on knees as usual, and she smirks. "Liv, Uh, My Lieutenant said the same thing."

Dr. Lindstrom quirks an eyebrow in question, noticing the small blunder. "Olivia certainly is a caring woman. Is she supportive outside of work?"

She knows why he's asking. He can suspect the nervousness in her voice when she talks about her boss.

"Well.. yeah. She's my friend." Her tone was defensive, and she didn't really know why.

Dr. Lindstrom chuckled, waving his hands, "There's no problem with that, I was just wondering."

She rolls her eyes, but smiles. She liked him. He didn't judge, especially when she told him about her abuse. She appreciated that he didn't treat her with kid gloves, he talked to her like an equal.

"So, I would like to touch on what you told me monday.. About your step-father. Are you okay to talk more about that?" Like Olivia, he didn't beat around the bush.

She bit the inside of her cheek as she contemplated telling him more details. "Sure.. I-I guess."

"Feel free to change the subject at any time. Remember, no judgment here."

She nodded, twisting her fingers around each other anxiously. "He was a real good guy, I liked him a lot. Y'know, the father I never had. He took me and Kim fishing, camping, signed us up for sports… the works. One night, a few weeks after I turned 18, he came into my room. Said he was.. he was _proud of the woman I'm becoming_."

She felt bile rising in her stomach, but continued on. "I was a virgin.. Back then.. I believed in waitin' for the right person. My mama was a jesus freak, and I guess I believed all of it too." She gulped, willing the tears that threatened to spill, back.

She could do this.

"He raped me that first night. Pinned my arms down, and did what he wanted. Said if I screamed, or told my mother, that he'd leave her. We were poor without him, my mama loved him. I didn't wanna take that away from them. I thought they'd hate me."

Dr. Lindstrom kept a straight face, jotting things down here and there, but listened intently. "How long did this go on for?"

She shook her head, wiping tears away from her cheeks. "Five or six years? He stopped when I got strong enough to really fight back. By the time he stopped, Kim was barely 17, and I was scared for her. I stayed there, became a cop, made sure he stayed away from her. I know I shoulda told someone, but.. I didn't wanna take Kim's daddy from her, my mom's husband.. It's stupid now that I think about it. I know they wouldn't blame me, but I didn't know that back then. He was in a car accident 4 years ago. He was finally gone, I didn't need to protect my mom and sister anymore. I got the hell outta there."

She barely got the last sentence out before the tears came flooding out. Relief of telling someone about what she went through, mixed with the pain of having to revision all of it.

"So you turned to gambling? To take your mind off of what you were going through."

She nodded, sniffling. "I remember doing it once when we took a trip to Vegas, I was almost 19, so I was old enough. The first time I played blackjack at a table with random strangers, I won $1000. Carter, my step-dad, taught me all the good card games when I was younger. I knew how to play. It was exhilarating. It made me forget. When I turned 21, I was a full blown addict. Then I threw drinking into the mix. That's when I stopped being good at gambling. I rarely played a game sober."

He nodded, writing some more. He took note of how she'd gone from crying, emotional, to disconnected. He took that as a sign to stop. "I think we've made great progress today. Let's bookmark this conversation. Give you a breather."

She nodded, "thank you."

"So, you said you're suspended. May I ask what you do all day?"

She wipes the tear tracks off of her cheeks, sniffling some more. "I run in the morning, shower, watch some TV…." She trailed off, wondering if she should mention the small amount of time she'd been spending with Olivia. He furrowed his brow, sensing her hesitation, and leaned forward.

She continued. "Lately.. I've been more time around Olivia and her son. I went over to her place after our session on monday. I was upset and didn't want to be alone. I've been trying to open myself up more.. And I find myself trusting her more than anyone."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded, pulling his thin wired glasses off of his nose and intertwined his fingers, resting his elbows on his knees. She knew he was preparing to ask a tough question.

"Amanda, if you don't feel comfortable answering, then you don't have to-"

"Just ask.." She whispers.

"...Have you had any kind of intimate relationship since your step-father passed? Before he passed?"

She gulped, shifting uncomfortably in the leather seat. "I've never gone past kissing anyone. I've never had consensual sex. I've never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. He took everything from me."

…

She walked out of the Doctor's building, feeling a different kind of weight pressing on her shoulders. She wished she went to someone earlier. Now, it's all bottled up. Like trying to fit 5 gallons of emotion into a one gallon milk carton. Now that she's opened up a little bit, it's all pouring out. The stream only getting stronger. Cracking the foundation around it.

She's losing control of every aspect of her life. The bad feelings were bubbling up, as well as the ones for Olivia, and it was overwhelming.

She didn't want to be around Olivia ever, for fear that she'd fall deeper for the beautiful brunette. But instead of going home like she told herself to do, she dialed Olivia's number. The woman was becoming a beneficial factor in her process.

Olivia picked up on the third ring. "Hey," the word came out breathy. Amanda feared she'd interrupted something.

"Hi uh, are you busy?" The cool breeze whips against her face as she walks down the crowded sidewalk. She avoids eye contact with anyone as she presses the phone against her ear harder, feeling slightly nervous around people. Especially after what she'd just talked about no more than 10 minutes ago with Dr. Lindstrom.

She heard Olivia sigh on the other end, "No, I just got back from court with Barba.. Long day."

"What's the case?"

"You know I can't tell you that, Amanda."

"Worth a shot." Amanda jokes. She hears Olivia chuckle on the other end, and the sound makes her heart flutter. She rarely hears that sound. It makes her anxiety lessen. "Do you think you'll be done at a decent time?"

"I'm going to try.. Lucy can only stay till 5 today because she has a study group, so I need to hurry and finish by then.."

"I can go watch him so you don't have to rush.." Amanda finds herself offering before she can even think about what she's saying. She loves kids, but her emotional state is in pieces right now. But something in her wants that kind of trust between her and the brunette. That intimacy.

"Oh, Amanda, I can't ask you to do that.." She thought she heard a twinge of relief in the older woman's voice. Olivia wants her to.

"You didn't ask, I offered. Besides, hanging with the little tiger is definitely more fun than being alone.." She hoped Olivia wouldn't ask questions and just accept the offer. Maybe time alone with her son would be good. A good, healthy distraction.

"...Alright. You don't need to go over there until 5 though, and if you need anything, please call, I'll come home, I'll just bring some work with me."

"I think we'll be fine, Liv," Amanda chuckles. She walks past a bar after they hang up, and, even though what she talked about in today's session was extremely rough, she doesn't want to go in for a beer.

She doesn't need it.

…

"Detective Rollins?" Lucy's questioning tone didn't go unnoticed by Amanda, and she smiled.

"Liv is still workin' so I told her I'd take over so you can go to your study group. She didn't wanna hold you up."

"Oh! Well thank you. He's actually been down for his nap since four so he should be up soon. I can show you where Olivia keeps her easy fix foods and his snacks."

Lucy leads Amanda to the kitchen, showing her where everything is and what time she should feed him if Olivia isn't home by then.

20 minutes later, Amanda is standing alone in the quiet upper-west-side apartment of her boss, and a wave of emotion washes over her. Over the past few days, she couldn't stop thinking about the older woman.

She'd never had feelings like this before. Sure, she'd been turned on or attracted to people before, both men and women, but the aspect of going all the way with someone was terrifying. She didn't know if she could ever be able to have consensual sex.

Olivia was waking feelings up inside of her and she couldn't help it. She didn't know how to control this feeling because she'd never experienced it.

She hears a door creak down the hall, seeing Noah appear, rubbing his eyes. "Ama'na dat you?" he asks, sleep in his voice.

"Hi buddy. Lucy had to go so I'm gonna hang out with you until mommy gets home. That okay with you?"

"We play wiff puzzle?"

"Sure! You go get it while I put my stuff down, okay?" The presence of the little boy was doing so much for her. She was starting to slip away from the bad memories, forget her past, even if it was only for a short time. Whoever said kids were the best therapy, was right.

"Otay!"

She sat her bag and jacket on a lounge chair, slipping her shoes off next to it, then made her way to Noah's play area. "which animal do you wanna put together first?"

"Da TIDER!" He growled playfully, scrunching his small button nose in a fake snarl.

"That's your favorite animal, huh?"

"Yes! I be one when I grow up."

"You'll be the bravest one!"

"You bave too!"

Once again, Amanda was floored. He really was such a good boy. Olivia was doing something right.

"Alright, let's get this tiger put together, little cub."

…

Olivia walked through the door around 11 PM, tired and hungry. Amanda looked up from the couch, and smiled slightly when she saw the older woman toss her stuff onto the little table in the entry way.

"I really tried to get away by like.. 7, but Chief Dodds came in and had me go to a meeting with him at, _which by the way, was completely unnecessary,_ and when I got back, Fin had a vic waiting for me in interview."

Amanda arched an eyebrow, amused at the fact that she'd come home and just started ranting. It was cute. "Well, you look hungry, so how about you sit down, relax and I'll bring you your plate."

She heard Olivia sigh as she got up and made her way into the kitchen, then a groan. She looked back, seeing Olivia sprawled out over the couch. "How was Noah?" She heard Olivia ask.

"He was so good. You got yourself a polite kid, there, Liv. He sure loves tigers."

Olivia chuckles, "He does. He's obsessed." sitting up to remove her jacket. Amanda looks up slightly, seeing the expanse of the brunette's chest, the wrinkled silk shirt, curve hugging slacks, and sock covered feet. She was beautiful, even after a long day of working. The older woman stands up, stretching slightly, "Do you mind if I go change? I'll be right back."

"Sure thing." Amanda gulps, looking back down at the container holding leftovers, spooning spaghetti onto a plate.

When Olivia returns, the younger woman had the food set on the table, glass of wine next to it. " _Wow_. You made spaghetti? Our favorite." She smiles, tieing her shoulder length hair up in an elastic. She wore black leggings and a loose t shirt, and her face was clear of any makeup. Amanda felt odd seeing her boss like this, like she was intruding. She sat down cautiously next to Olivia, twisting her fingers nervously. She watched as Olivia took her first bite of the pasta, and moaned exaggeratedly. "This is amazing."

Amanda rolled her eyes, a slight blush tinging her cheeks, "Please. Spaghetti is easy, and Noah said he wanted some tonight."

"I can't thank you enough for watching him for me tonight."

Amanda waved her off, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, "It was my pleasure. It was more like he was keepin' an eye on me."

Olivia sipped her wine and furrowed her brow. Amanda saw it register on her face before she asked. "You had your second session today… How was that?"

Amanda had successfully shoved everything to the back of her mind while she was with Noah, and now that all of that was coming back, she felt the urge to cry. Or throw up. Or both. "It was fine. I uh.. It was hard, but I opened up some more. It's just a little unsettling that I'm bringing all of my past up. It's harder now that I've been suppressing it for so long."

Olivia leaned over, placing her hand over Amanda's fidgeting ones, "I can't tell you how proud I am of you for seeking help. I know that you're still upset about being suspended, but trust me when I say that it was needed. You need to take care of you before you can take care of others."

She couldn't get past the feeling of Olivia's skin on hers, fingers softly stroking her own, and the words that had rolled off the older woman's lips. _Proud._

"I won't push you to tell me anything, Manda, but I can tell you that I'm _here for you._ For whatever you need. I care about you." Her deep eyes told a thousand more words than were spoken. Amanda choked back tears as she locked gazes with her boss.

She was fighting a losing battle. Her feelings for Olivia were becoming stronger by the day, and the more she let it consume her, the harder it got to breathe around the older woman. She wasn't even sure of Olivia would feel the same. Last she checked, her lieutenant was straight. But she couldn't fight it.

"I should go home.. It's late." Amanda murmurs, quelling the intense emotions burning through her veins. It was nearing 12:30 AM.

She watched Olivia shake her head as she sipped the rest of her wine, "It's late, you watched my kid, you can stay here tonight." She smiled, setting the empty glass down on the placemat.

She wanted to say no, and yet, she didn't.

"Let me get you a change of clothes, something more comfortable."

Amanda was still the whole time Olivia was gone. A sudden fear washed over her. Thoughts of today's conversation with Dr. Lindstrom flooded her mind. Her step-father was there, in her head.

" _No man's gonna want you after I'm done with you. Or woman, somethin' tells me you're a carpet muncher."_

" _You're never gonna find love as long as I'm around."_

He'd said those words countless times, but right now was the most clear. There was no haze of pain or alcohol. They were as sharp and burning as they'd been every time he'd said them. Of course Olivia wouldn't want damaged goods. Amanda would never be able to give the older woman the things she needed.

"Amanda? Honey, what's wrong?" She heard Olivia's concerned voice. When she felt the warm swipe of fingers under her eyes, she realized that she was crying. In front of Olivia. Again.

"I-I'm fine.. Just some bad thoughts s'all."

Olivia led her to the couch, setting the clothes on the arm. She sat down, pulling Amanda down to sit next to her, "Talk to me? What just happened?"

"Just.. The talk with Dr. Lindstrom is hitting finally. Noah helped push it to the back of my mind, but it's just.." She couldn't finish before a fresh set of tears poured down her cheeks.

"What did you talk about?" Olivia asked softly, pulling Amanda into a loose hug, still making eye contact.

Amanda shook her head, resting it on Olivia's shoulder, inhaling the sweet scent of the brunette's skin. "I don't want to talk about it right now." She was going to tell her. Everything. She made a promise to herself that she'd do it, but now was not the right time. She wasn't ready to face the disgust that would surely cross the older woman's face when she found out that she was defiled by her own step-father.

 **Another intense-ish chapter! I felt angsty tonight. Writing imitates life..(?) I love the reviews that I'm getting from you guys! I feel the love. Be sure to continue to review, it fuels my angsty-rolivia-love fire! Feel free to PM me for questions and/or concerns about the detail that I'm surely going to go into with Amanda's abuse in the upcoming chapters. I don't want to trigger anyone.**

 **-Anna**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **I added the character tag for the guest who requested it! Sorry about that, I didn't realize I forgot to add them. Also, Patton does not exist in this story.**

 **On with the story.**

She woke up to the sound of her own crying. And someone nudging her awake. The moment her eyes opened, they slammed back shut, sensitive and burning from the salty tears.

"Amanda, Honey, wake up." She heard Olivia's tired, raspy voice, and a wave of calmness washed over her. She's not with him. She's in Olivia's apartment, asleep on her couch.

"Liv," She murmured, rubbing her tired, sensitive eyes, "S-Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.."

"No, hey it's okay. Sit up though so you can breath.." She feels Olivia's soft hands on her shoulder and sliding under her back, pulling her up.

She let Olivia pull her into a position and the minute the older woman sits down next to her, Amanda's arms wrap around her waist. She shoved her face into the soft skin on Olivia's neck, and she let another sob rip from her throat.

"I'm so tired of living like this," She sobs, feeling Olivia's hands as they caress her tangled blonde locks.

" _Hey_ , Just breathe, Okay? You're alright… Nobody's here but you and I, there's nothing to be scared of," Olivia mutters into her ear, soft puffs of breath calming her.

The younger woman pulled away, Olivia's words registering in her brain. "What did you say?" She breathed, fear washing over her.

Olivia brushed a strand of hair away from Amanda's eyes, "You were crying and kept saying _Carter, stop_ and _Don't touch me_.. Nobody's here, okay?"

The moment Olivia spoke the name, Amanda was up and bolting to the bathroom. She emptied her stomach into the toilet. She felt her hair being pulled back, a warm, soothing palm on the back of her neck. "Amanda, what's going on, honey? Why are you getting sick?"

The younger woman wiped her mouth with toilet paper, then flushed the toilet. She scooted back against the tub and ran her hands through her hair. "I shouldn't've stayed here.." She mutters, shaking her head.

"What? Why? Amanda, will you please talk to me?" Olivia's tone was pleading, causing Amanda to look up and lock gazes.

She saw the onset of tears prickling Olivia's dark eyes, and the reality of it hit her hard. "Liv, don't cry," She whispers, wiping her own eyes.

"I'm so worried for you, Manda.." Olivia said quietly, scooting to sit in front of Amanda, legs coming on either side of the younger woman. Her hands cupped Amanda's cheeks, forcing her to look up. "I know you're talking to Lindstrom about this but please talk to me. I want to help you. Who's Carter?"

" _Don't say his name."_ The younger woman hissed. "He's a fucking pig. But he's dead, so you don't need to worry."

"Of course I'm going to worry, Amanda. Did he hurt you?"

Amanda chuckled dryly. "I agreed to get help from your shrink, you suspended me from my job, now you're asking me to confide in you? What the fuck exactly do you want from me, Olivia?" She didn't mean for her words to be so venomous, but she honestly wanted to know.

The older woman's eyes widened, obviously shocked. "I want you to trust in me.. I-"

"You're my _boss_ , I shouldn't even be here."

"Don't say that, Amanda, please? You know it's not completely true.. I'm your friend too.. I care about you," Olivia's voice is shaky, but strong. It knocks Amanda back. She stares at the older woman for a few more seconds before standing up and moving to the sink to rinse her mouth out. She doesn't ask as she opens cabinets in search for mouthwash.

"Behind the mirror in the green bottle."

Amanda doesn't speak, only pours the minty liquid into her mouth and swishing. "He's my step-dad." She says after spitting. "Now let's drop the subject and go back to sleep."

…..

Olivia sat in the lounge chair next to the couch where Amanda was sound asleep. Coffee in one hand, glasses in the other. The words Amanda had said earlier in the night sent chills through her body. She had been on the force long enough to connect the dots.

Amanda's step-father had abused her in some way.

She sipped the hot liquid and let her eyes graze over the sleeping woman. After she'd gotten cleaned up, they went back to their respective bed and couch, not speaking a word.

It was nearing 7 AM and Olivia had decided to take the day off, wanting to talk to the younger woman and spend quality time with her son.

She knew that there was something deeper. She saw it in Amanda's crystal blue eyes. Sadness, hurt, despair.

She was overcome with the need to help the younger woman.

"Olivia?"

Amanda woke up, feeling eyes on her. She hadn't been able to sleep soundly after getting sick, but the presence of the older woman was comforting.

"Hi, sorry.. I was just.. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Amanda yawned, sitting up and stretched her arms. The couch was more comfortable than she thought. "So you watched me sleep?" Her tone was dry, but it wasn't on purpose. Her throat was sore from throwing up.

Olivia arched an eyebrow and smirked, " _No._ I just wanted to.. Be near you."

She didn't want to read too much into the older woman's words, but she was floored. She wanted to be near her. "Why?" She heard it slip from her mouth and did a mental facepalm.

Olivia looked into her coffee cup, and Amanda could have sworn she saw red tinging her cheeks. Olivia Benson was blushing? "You don't need to babysit me, Liv. I'm a big girl."

The older woman set her coffee cup on the table and moved to sit by Amanda, closer than usual. "After what happened last night, I just.. I don't know… I'm worried. Can we talk about your-"

"I don't want to talk about him, Olivia. You're a smart woman, you can probably guess what happened.. I shouldn't have stayed the night, but I did, so let's please drop it.." Amanda's tone was biting.

Olivia took Amanda's hand in hers, squeezing lightly. When Amanda tried to pull away, her grip tightened. "Don't you understand that I just want you to be okay? You aren't okay, Amanda.. It's okay to want help and support from friends. I care about you too much to just sit here and pretend like nothing happened. I'm not going to judge you, I'm not going to make fun of you or hate you or anything. I'm _here for you."_

Tears threatened to spill, but before anything else could happen, both women heard the small pitter patter of feet. Noah's small, tired voice rang out through the apartment. "Mama?"

Olivia stared at Amanda for a few more seconds, hoping to get the message through to the younger woman, then turned her head toward the direction of her son. "In here, baby." She didn't let go of Amanda's hand.

Her emotions were going wild.

"Aman'na stay here?" The little boy asked, climbing into his mother's lap, immediately resting his tiny head on her shoulder.

Amanda couldn't help but smile. He's a mama's boy. The younger woman looked at the pair. She can understand why Noah loves her so much.. She's one of the most amazing woman she'd ever met. And her feelings for the older woman were growing stronger.

"I just loved being around you so much, little cub, I couldn't leave." Amanda cooed, wiping the stray tears from her eyes.

"You cry?" He asked, eyebrows furrowing. He turned his head to face his mother, "Mommy why she cry?"

Olivia looked at Amanda and smiled sadly, "She was just having a rough day." She leaned in to whisper into her son's ear. " _She could really use a big tiger hug."_

Immediately, Noah climbed out of his mother's lap and hopped into Amanda's, wrapping his tiny hands around her neck. "It ok." He said softly. She nearly burst into tears. Like mother, like son. This boy was perfect.

She felt a warm hand slide onto her leg, squeezing affectionately.

"You bave aman'na. Like big tiger."

 **I was really sad tonight for some reason and this was all I could get out. Do not fret, though, for I will start on the developing of their relationship after the next session with Dr. Lindstrom. So possibly next chapter at the end, or maybe chapter 7. I only intend to make this 10-15 chapters, since I'm not very good at updating after a while, so please PLEASE keep me motivated! I really love all of your comments, and it means a lot to me that you like this story.**

 **Anna**


	6. Chapter 6

**gahhhh. I was supposed to update last night but I fell asleep at 7:30 like the grandma I am. But here's the next chap!**

 **Enjoy.**

 **Chapter 6**

"So, Amanda, I'm glad to see you back at our third session." Dr. Lindstrom smiled, "I would like to continue our chat from last session. If that's okay?"

Amanda shifted, nodding.

"Alright. So in the last appointment, you told me you've never been involved with someone romantically?"

The younger woman shook her head, "I dated but they always left when I wouldn't um.. go all the way."

"I see. Other than obvious reasons, why is it that you feel you're unsafe with a significant other?"

"I didn't say that I felt unsafe," She snapped, "I just don't trust anyone. I'm ashamed of what happened to me. Nobody would understand." As she spoke, she couldn't help but think of Olivia. Something told her that the older woman would understand.

Dr. Lindstrom nodded. "Okay. You seem more stressed today that usual. Care to tell me why?"

She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I uh.. I stayed with Olivia wednesday night.. I babysat her son while she worked then I slept over. I had a nightmare and she heard me say something. She knows, _well has an idea,_ about Carter."

Dr. Lindstrom furrowed his brow, "Do you think she'd judge you if she knew?"

"No.. Yes? I don't know. She said she wouldn't."

"Then why wouldn't you believe her? Has she lied to you before?"

Amanda stood up, too uncomfortable to stay seated and she paced around the office. "I don't know _what_ to think! She's been here for me and supportive and caring and it's _confusing me_ because she's my boss! I shouldn't be feeling the kind of shit that I do for her, she's just being a good friend."

She braced both hands against the back of her chair, making eye contact with Dr. Lindstrom as he spoke, "Amanda, do you have feelings for Olivia? Is that why you're so upset about her knowing?"

"Who would want someone as damaged and used as I am? I don't even know if she likes women but if she did, I wouldn't be someone she'd be interested in. _God,_ she'd all I can think about when I'm not thinking about gambling or Carter.. I can't lose her as my friend because of what happened to me.. She'll never look at me the same." The floodgates were open, there was no going back.

"I cannot speak for Olivia, but I know 100% that she is not the kind of woman to judge someone based on what happened to them. I think that, if you trust her enough, you should open up. The more support you have, the better."

"She's the first person I've felt like this for, and it's terrifying."

Dr. Lindstrom smiled and leaned forward in his chair, "I think, if she wants you to trust her, then you should trust her."

….

She couldn't stop herself from doing it. She was in desperate need of a drink. She wound up at a liquor store, buying the usual stuff, then the stuff that she was sure would help her forget. She was having trouble coming to terms with the fact that she'd told Dr. Lindstrom about her feelings for Olivia.

When she got home an hour later, she didn't drink any of the liquor. She started at the bottles, lined up on her counter. Her thoughts always seemed to drift towards Olivia. What would Olivia say if she saw her like this? Stareing at 4 bottles of alcohol, messy hair, dark circles under her eyes.. The older woman would be more than disappointed.

She shook the thought from her head, banishing any other thought as well and grabbed the bottle of merlot. She intended to get drunk tonight, so that's what she was going to do.

….

She woke up to pounding on her door.

And, _damn,_ a pounding in her head.

She grabbed her phone from the other side of her couch, and looked at the time. 6:48 AM. Who the fuck was at her house so early in the morning?

" _Amanda, open the door."_

Oh, right. Olivia. Who else?

She groaned, knocking over the three empty bottles on the floor. The noise of them tumbling over each other sent a sharp pang through her head and she winced. She groaned as she stumbled to the door and squinted when she opened it.

She couldn't help but smile when she saw her boss. She looked beautiful. Put together. The complete opposite of herself. "H-hi Liv! It's early, but c- _hugh-_ come on in."

She held the door open and stared at the older woman. Confused at the look on her beautiful face. She watched as Olivia let her dark eyes graze over her form, most likely taking in the disheveled hair, bags under her eyes, rumpled clothes.

"Amanda, are you drunk?" Her tone was dark.

"I had a few.." She backed up into the safety of her home, crossing her arms over her chest.

Olivia walked into the apartment, closed the door, then made her way over to the couch. The bottles. "A few what? Bottles? Jesus, Amanda-"

"I'm an _adult_ , Olivia, you can be mad all you want, but you don't know what's constantly goin' through my head so you-"

"I don't know because you don't _talk to me!_ Why don't you just trust me, huh? You think I'm gonna judge you? You think you're the only one who's been through tough shit?" Her dark eyes were lined with tears, wide with anger and hurt and compassion. But no judgment.

"I didn't say that.." Amanda hiccups, moving to the window. She'd tried opening it earlier, feeling suffocated, but was too drunk to get it unlocked. "I just.. Can you open this window?" She breathed out. Running her fingers through her hair.

She heard Olivia sigh, but comply reluctantly. "Amanda, honey, let's sit on the couch, okay? I'll pick up these bottles so they don't break on the floor. Do you want some water?"

Amanda smiled slightly as she plopped down on the couch. Olivia took such good care of her. She didn't deserve this woman.

"Sure," She hiccuped again, letting her eyes slip closed.

She feels a warm palm on her cheek a few moments later and she hums in content.

"Amanda," Olivia whispers, brushing the stray hairs away from the younger woman's eyes. She'd intended on coming over to see if she was alright, the younger woman hadn't answered any calls or texts the night before and she had gotten worried.

Her fears were quelled, but not her concern. Amanda was alright, but only in so many terms.

"Why are you here, Liv?" Amanda whispered, taking the cold water from the older woman's hand.

"I got worried. You didn't answer your phone. I can see why now."

"I already know what you're going to say, so save both of us the energy and don't say it. I know I messed up." Amanda groaned, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. She couldn't stop the torrent of tears that threatened to pour down her cheeks. "Yesterday's session with Dr. Lindstrom just hit me hard and I wanted to forget for a bit."

Olivia nodded, stroking the younger woman's hair with her fingertips. "Was it about your step-dad, or gambling?"

Amanda wanted to tell Olivia to back off, but she reveled in the contact. Finding herself scooting closer to the older woman. "Not this time."

"What then? What was it that drove you to drinking three bottles of alcohol?" Olivia's tone held no judgment or disgust, only curiosity and concern.

"My feelings."

"About?"

"I drank to forget Liv. Don't bring it up now. Please?" She leaned her head against Olivia's shoulder, letting her arm wrap around the older woman's waist. She knows this was most likely inappropriate, but she couldn't help it. She had enough alcohol in her system to give her courage, and she wasn't gonna try denying her feelings right now. She didn't have the energy.

"Okay, Okay." Olivia said softly.

Amanda inhaled the sweet scent of Olivia's perfume. For the time being, she was content. Happy to be in the older woman's arms.

"Don't you have work?"

"Not until 9."

"Okay."

They sat there for a few moments, Olivia never taking her chin off of Amanda's head. Amanda squeezed the older woman's waist tighter, not wanting this moment to end.

"Olivia.."

She heard Olivia hum in question.

"I do trust you. I want to tell you but it's hard to just open up like that."

"I know, honey. I know and I'm sorry for saying that." Olivia runs her hand down Amanda's arm reassuringly.

She felt confident right position she was in didn't require eye contact with Olivia, and she thought now was as good a time as any. "Carter.. uh.. he was my step-dad. He started raping me when I was 18 and until I was 22, and I was stuck in Atlanta until he died 4 years ago. That's when I moved here."

Olivia breathed out slowly, shakily. It was worse than she'd thought. "I'm so sorry you went through that.. God, Amanda.. That's… Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."

Amanda was stunned. All this time, all the worrying, was all for nothing. She fully expected Olivia to judge her.. To tell her that she should have done something about it, but all she got was compassion and understanding. "I thought you'd be disgusted.. I thought you'd tell me that I should have told someone about what he was doing and.. and how stupid I was to let him keep doing it."

Olivia pulled back, cupping Amanda's cheeks, eyebrows furrowed. "Honey, why would I be disgusted? It's not your fault he was a sick man. It's not your fault that he raped you. It's his. I'd never say something like that to you. It wouldn't help in any way."

Amanda bowed her head shamefully, feeling dizzy from the alcohol and from how close she was to Olivia. "I told Dr. Lindstrom about how.. how I've never had a consensual sexual partner.. And ever since then it's all I can think about. Carter took that from me."

" _Listen to me._ He didn't take anything from you if you don't let him. He violated you, he was a sick fuck, but you can still have a life. A lover, or partner or boyfriend or whatever you want. Don't let him win."

The younger woman was overwhelmed with emotion. Olivia had been the completely opposite of what she'd expected. Yes, she knew that the older woman would be supportive, but this was a whole new level. This was beyond caring.

Amanda sat up and looked straight into Olivia's dark eyes. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the sudden burst of confidence, or the affection she felt towards Olivia, but the words she spoke next came out like a whirlwind. She couldn't stop them.

"Yesterday, I told Dr. Lindstrom that I had feelings for you. I do. I.. I feel so deeply for you it scares the shit out of me, and I don't know why I'm telling you this because it could ruin so much.. But you.. you're the first person ever.. to make me want to be a better person, and you make me want to stop drinking and gambling and you make me want to be better. I just.. you make me want _you."_

She didn't know how to plug up the endless spout that was her mouth. She was recklessly telling her boss that she was, in so many words, in love with her.

She pulled away from Olivia and raked her hands through her hair, and felt the onset of panic. Suddenly, she felt 100% sober and also the need to throw up.

Before she could stand up, Olivia pulled the younger woman back into her embrace. Into a tight hug that relieved and scared Amanda. This could go one of two ways.

Good. Or bad.

She buried her face in Olivia's soft curls, inhaling, what could be the last time. She was preparing herself for rejection.

Olivia pulled back, a layer of tears clinging to her long, dark bottom lashes. A small smile playing on her lips.

Amanda held her breath as Olivia parted her lips to speak.

"Me too." Olivia whispered. Amanda would have collapsed had she been standing. She sat there, wide eyed, as the older woman pulled her back in for another hug.

"Me too."

 **Weakkkkkkk. I know. But I needed to update. Next chapter will pick up where this one left off. Go easy on me in the comments… I had a rough day. I will literally delete this chapter and write a better version of you all want me to. Seriously. Just let me know. But let me know** _ **easily, for I am sensitive.**_ **But in any case, next chapter** ** _will most definitely_** **be better. :)**

 **Anna**


	7. Chapter 7

**You can call me a liar, it's okay. I know I said that I'd pick up where I left off, but let's face it-that's not me. So trust me with what I'm doing with it and sit back, and enjoy this** _ **reckless**_ **ride. (Also, this chapter marks the longest story I've done for rolivia. {there's a few that I started and deleted} So let's celebrate with a lighter chapter?)**

 **Chapter 7**

Olivia had long since gone to work, and Amanda was well past sobering up. She remembered everything that had happened since Olivia arrived, and a torrent of emotion surged through her. She'd told her boss about her feelings towards her, and she was _beyond shocked_ to hear that Olivia somewhat reciprocated them.

No, shocked wasn't a strong enough word. Baffled? Bewildered? Taken aback?

She sat on her bed, having showered and changed into clean clothes, and she felt a new lightness. Yes, there was still that dark shadow that lurked in the back of her mind- she figured it'd always be there, but she felt a new emotion.. She felt some weight lifted off her shoulders.

She had the sudden urge to tell Dr. Lindstrom her progress with Olivia, the need to relay the events of earlier that morning was like an itch that needed to be scratched.

She padded quickly into the living room, finding her phone on the floor under the coffee table and rolled her eyes at the thought of her own drunken foolishness. She still had one bottle of vodka… She didn't plan to drink it. Not after the progress she'd made without it.

She found the Doctor's contact in her phone and hit call. The man had given her his personal work cell phone number, he gave it to all of his patients so they could talk to him without having to go through the front office and have to be put on hold.

"Dr. Lindstrom," he greeted, most likely already knowing it was Amanda.

"I told her."

"Olivia?" He asked, a hint of amusement and curiosity in his voice.

"Yes. I told her everything.."

There was silence on the other end for a few moments, and she held a bated breath.

"How did she react?"

"Like you said she would. She was understanding and not judgmental.. And.. I told her about my feelings for her.. I had some uh.. courage.. and I told her, and.. She-she feels the same." It felt so weird, almost childish, saying it out loud to her therapist, but she was overcome with joy. Olivia had said _me too_ , she'd hugged the younger woman, pulled her close, held her, and when she left…

Amanda went weak in the knees thinking about their parting. Olivia had placed a soft kiss on her cheek before smiling shyly and making her way down the hallway.

"Did you hear me, Amanda?"

The younger woman shook her head, "Uh no.. sorry could you repeat that?"

Dr. Lindstrom chuckled, "I said I think that it's wonderful that you opened up to Olivia, and I already knew 100% that she'd be on your side. Even if feelings weren't reciprocated."

Amanda smiled, "I know that now."

"I'm glad."

She bit her lip hesitantly, "That's what I called to tell you.. So.. I'm gonna go, but I'll tell you more on monday."

"Sounds good to me. Take care of yourself this weekend, Amanda."

"Thank you."

They ended the call and Amanda sighed in relief. Initially, when the bud of feelings she felt for Olivia in the beginning sprouted, she dreaded any outcome. She thought that it would only add to her overflowing plate of stress. But now, it felt like her plate was lighter.

In this moment, she felt like she could do anything. Getting better was at the top of the list.

…

Halfway through the day, she got a text from Olivia, asking the younger woman to join her and Noah at the park. She immediately accepted, letting the older woman know she'd head out right away. She figured the older woman had gotten the chance to slip away from work early.

Twenty minutes later, she found herself walking through the children's area in the park, searching for the two people that had kept her _mostly_ sane through the past week.

" _AMAN'NA!"_ She heard Noah call from her left, and she saw the little boy bounding towards her.

"Hi little cub! Good to see ya." She kneeled down, letting him jump into her arms before standing up and swinging their bodies from side to side.

It'd only been a few days since the saw each other, but she wouldn't ever deny a hug from the boy.

"Noah, sweet boy, what did mommy tell you about running off like that?" Olivia walked briskly towards the pair. She gave Amanda a wary smile, lips parted slightly as she took deeper breaths. She'd obviously run after the little boy. Her cheeks were rosy, hair windblown, she looked absolutely breathtaking.

"Oh c'mon, Liv, he was runnin' to me," Amanda reasoned shyly, nuzzling the softy brown hair that sat in wild tufts on the little boy's head.

"Ya, mommy, it just Aman'na. She bave and catched me." The young boy replied sassily.

Olivia arched an eyebrow, "You still know better. Next time you run off like that, there won't be dessert after dinner."

Noah bowed his head ashamedly, "Otay.."

Olivia smiled, motioning back to the playground, "Now c'mom, we can play for another hour then we can go get some dinner."

The little boy maneuvered out of Amanda's arms, and the younger woman set him down. He grabbed onto his mother's hand, wanting to run back, but not wanting to get in trouble. He pulled her, and she smiled at Amanda before taking the younger woman's hand softly in hers and let the little boy pull both of them back to the busy playground.

The younger woman's skin tingled as stared down at their conjoined hands, a rush of heat shooting up her arm.

They made it to the swings, and Olivia helped Noah into the toddler sized one, and began pushing him.

Amanda watched from the side, feeling slightly intrusive on the mother/son moment. She smiled as she watched the two play, both smiling widely, giggling every time Olivia stopped the boy mid air, attacked his cheeks with kisses, then let him go.

As she stood there, a new emotion shot through her body. One she'd never felt before. One she didn't think she'd ever feel.

She took in Olivia's features, the way a few strands of hair had slipped from her ponytail, the long sleeve shirt clinging to her body, the dark jeans hugging her legs and hips.

The younger woman was utterly speechless, shocked that what she was feeling right now was possible, especially after what she'd been through.

Amanda was _starving..._ But it wasn't for food.

…..

An hour later, the three of them decided to call it a day and head out for some food. Noah was getting sleepy and Olivia didn't want him to get sick, as it got colder during this time.

"Whaddaya both say we go grab some pizza?" Olivia asked, slipping her long coat on as they made their way out of the park.

Noah was clinging to Amanda, who'd offered a piggyback ride to the worn out boy.

"Peet-zahhhhh!" Noah boasted.

"Sure, I could go for a slice. I haven't eaten since this morning."

Olivia shot Amanda a wary look, and the younger woman was quick to explain, "it's not that I didn't want to eat, I just wasn't very hungry and I was a little distracted up until you texted me."

The older woman arched an eyebrow, but shifted closer to the blonde. The younger woman's breath hitched when she felt one of Olivia's fingers hook into Amanda's left pocket.

"This okay?" The brunette asked, small smile playing on her plump lips.

"Y-yeah."

They walked in silence, the only noise between the three was the indiscernible chatter of the little boy, who played with strands of Amanda's hair.

The found a pizza parlor a few blocks from Olivia's apartment, deciding to give the place a try.

By the time they sat down, Noah was asleep in his mother's lap, head resting against her chest.

"Liv we can just order it to-go. That way the kid can take a short nap in his bed."

Olivia nodded, "That's fine. Hopefully he won't sleep for too long, I don't want him to skip out on dinner."

Amanda smiled, "We can get him up after like 45 minutes and make him eat."

Olivia smiled and arched a brow, subconsciously rubbing her son's back. " _We_ can, huh?"

Amanda's cheeks reddened, she dropped her gaze to the tabletop, "I-I mean you can, I can just uh-"

"Amanda, I'm kidding."

The younger woman stopped stuttering, then rolled her eyes. Of course she was.

…

"Well, little guy's down for the count. I have a feeling I'll be up at six tomorrow morning. He's not gonna wake up for dinner." Olivia sighed, sinking down onto the couch. She arched an eyebrow and patted the cushion next to her, motioning for Amanda to sit next to her.

"How are you feeling? Hungover?"

"Nah, the pizza knocked out my headache so I'm feelin' better. I uh.. I dumped the last bottle of vodka I had.."

Olivia leaned her head back against the couch and smiled, placing a comforting hand on Amanda's arm. "Good, I'm glad."

There was silence for a few moments, before Amanda shifted close to the older woman, the sides of their bodies touching slightly. "I wanted to um.. thank you.. for not being judgmental about what happened with Carter.. I struggled with that with past uh- people. Nobody wanted someone who was used like I was."

Olivia frowned and brushed a strand of blonde hair from the younger woman's face back. "Anyone who judges you based on what someone else did to you _doesn't_ deserve to have you in their life. I feel honored that you told me.. And I want to help you get through it. I know you, Amanda Rollins. I know what you're capable of, how strong you are.. I'm here for you."

The urge to grab the older woman's face and kiss her was overwhelming. It was consuming. But she did all she could to quell the desire. "About what I told you this morning… Uh.. I don't know what is supposed to happen now, now that you know and all.. but-"

Olivia cupped both of Amanda's cheeks, bringing their eyes in a close, even proximity. "I told you I feel the same for you, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it. So whatever we do now is at _your_ pace. You're in charge here."

"I've never done this before. A serious relationship.. I-I mean if you want one, I don't know.. I've never done this with a woman. I've never gone past kissing.. I'm a fish outta water.."

Olivia nodded in understanding, stroking Amanda's cheeks softly. "Well then how about.. I guide you.. I will be here for you.. whatever you need.. and if you think it's too fast, or not what you want, or anything.. you tell me and we'll work on it."

Olivia's voice was unbelievably soothing, and all it would take to press their lips together would be the removal of 6 inches. Their faces were close. She could do kissing. Besides, it was Olivia, she trusted the woman with everything in her.

She nodded slightly, removing Olivia's hands from her face, then moving her lips closer to Olivia's. Just one quick kiss to test the waters. Uncharted waters.

She closed the remaining distance, pressing her lips firmly against Olivia's.

Exquisite.

Olivia squeezed Amanda's hands reassuringly, then nipped at the younger woman's bottom lip before pulling away slightly.

"Your pace." The older woman whispered, eyes dark.

Amanda nodded, then leaned her head against Olivia's shoulder.

Finally, she didn't feel so alone.

 **Soooooooo? How'd I do? Let me knowww. I'm trying so very hard not to rush them. I want Amanda to talk to Lindstrom and Olivia some more about the more intimate aspects of a new relationship, but I feel like, with her situation, that would be the farthest thing from her mind.. You know, unless Olivia is awakening something new within her. Let me know what you guys wanna see next!**

 **Anna**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry sorry sorry sorry! I was so busy all weekend and it took some time to think of what to do next. Here's this short one though! Enjoy.**

 **Chapter 8**

Sunday night was tolling. The addiction, though absent over the past few days, was still very much there. It was lingering in the back of her mind, and when she woke up sunday morning, the effects of it slammed down on her.

Gamble.

Her mind was a constant voice telling her to just do it. Just once, you know you'll win. Won't it feel good to win?

She knew it wouldn't feel worth it. It would feel good for a split second before she's back down that black hole that Olivia had been trying to help her out of.

Olivia. They'd kissed the night before. That's what makes her feel good. Olivia makes her feel completely different than what anything else does. The brunette was a stronger addiction, her lips, her voice, her hair, her eyes.. It was too much sometimes.

She believed Olivia when she'd said that she felt the same. But it was that nagging voice in the back of her head that told her that the older woman's feelings were not as strong. That Olivia didn't know the intensity of Amanda's feelings, didn't quite grasp it.

It was all so conflicting. She wanted to push her fears aside and let the older woman love her, care for her and help her. But she also wanted to push Olivia away and get through her problems on her own. It wasn't fair to Olivia or Noah, they didn't need her own problems. She knew that Olivia's feelings weren't out of pity, she knew because if they were, her boss wouldn't dare act on them.

But still, that tiny nagging voice was in the back of her mind, telling her to cool it. Back off of Olivia, get her own shit sorted out before she gets into anything serious with the older woman.

It was best for all of them.

….

The look she got from Dr. Lindstrom as she walked into his office the next afternoon did not go unnoticed. He could tell right off the bat that something was up.

"I was assuming you'd be in a good mood today considering the latest developments in your relationship with Olivia." He arched an eyebrow and took a seat across from Amanda, who sat down as well.

"We kissed on saturday." She spoke quietly, not making eye contact. Suddenly, she was annoyed that she shared a therapist with Olivia. Although everything was kept in confidential, she couldn't help but feel that the doctor was learning something private about Olivia without her permission.

He was silent for a moment, perhaps taking the new information in. "Did that trigger you? Make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in any way?"

"God, no. It was.. it was amazing. I just feel.. overwhelmed." Amanda sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I know she'd never lie to me, not about this at least, but.. I just feel like maybe she's holding something back. Like maybe she doesn't feel the exact same. A-and that's fine and all, but.. I don't want her to regret getting into something with me and then later realizing that I'm too broken or she wants more than I can give."

Dr. Lindstrom was admittedly shocked at the amount of information Amanda had just given. He smiled slightly, "Has she given you any indication in the time that you've spent with her during your healing process and suspension that you are more than she can handle?"

"No.."

"Do you want to know what I think? Based on these past few sessions, your history, your feelings for Olivia."

Amanda leaned forward, interested in what Dr. Lindstrom could possible tell her. "Let me hear it."

"Your whole life, you had virtually no one. Correct?" Amanda nodded, and he continued. "Through the abuse with your step-father, nobody was in your corner. You turned to Gambling; something that would always be there when a physical human being wasn't, and it filled that loneliness in you.. But you know how addictions end up being, a bottomless pit of a need that will never be fulfilled.

You moved here after your abuser died, ready to kick a habit that had been there for you longer than any human, but still didn't have anyone. Now, I'm not judging your life choices- but I sense a pattern."

Amanda sat and thought about it. Loneliness was her best friend. "So I've been alone. What's your point?" She was growing irritated, still confused as to what he was trying to get at.

"So, my diagnosis, in order to get on the correct and healthy path of kicking your addiction, is to let Olivia in. Be honest with me. How many times in the past week or so have you really thought about gambling?"

"Maybe twice..?"

"How many times before you started talking to Olivia more, started sessions with me?"

A sheepish smile spread across her lips, almost out of realization and embarrassment. "Almost every few hours."

"Loneliness and the need to cope with what happened to you is what caused you to start gambling. Now, you have the opportunity to not be alone, to have someone in your corner and caring about you. Take that opportunity."

She wanted to cry. He was right. He was telling her the truth about herself that she didn't want to come to terms with.

"I need help." She whispered. "I have you," She felt pathetic, unsure of what to say exactly.

"Of course you have me, Amanda. But you only have me for a few hours every other day. Let Olivia be there for you every day. It's completely healthy and okay to need some support. Whether it's from a significant other, or a friend."

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "It's just hard to let people in.. Carter took that from me.. I let him in as my father and he-"

"He took advantage of a young, dependent girl, and it was wrong. He knew it before he died, he knows it as he lay in his grave. But you need to realize that Olivia isn't him."

"I know that!" She snapped. "I know who Olivia is inside, she's caring and compassionate and she wants to help me! I know she's not like that prick. She's.. she's too good for me."

Dr. Lindstrom shook his head and leaned forward in his chair, elbows resting on his knees as he locked eyes with Amanda's, "You and I both know that that's not true. But what I can tell you right now, the truth; it's that you're too good to punish yourself. You're too good to be alone in your healing process. You deserve as much support in your corner as possible. And I firmly believe that, with Olivia's support and more sessions with me, you'll start to believe that you don't have to be alone anymore."

….

She stepped through her door a few hours later, feeling the weight of the day glide off as she set grocery bags down. She hadn't done actual shopping in months and it felt good to be out and alone with her thoughts.

The session with the doctor really helped clear her mind a bit. And cloud it. It was so confusing, her feelings for Olivia. She wanted everything with the woman, but she didn't know how much she could give. She didn't know if she could be sexually intimate with her.. Hell, she had trouble just talking to the woman.

She wasn't ready to confess everything to her boss. Her deepest secrets, the things she was most ashamed about, she wasn't ready to risk losing Olivia. Or Noah.

Her head was running a mile a minute. Thoughts of gambling, her step-dad, Olivia, Noah, Getting her job back, the kiss… It was all whirling around in her brain. Consuming.

She quickly put the groceries away, then made her way into the living room. She was gonna sit and focus on one thing at a time.

The kiss. No words to describe it. Nothing. It was out of this world, and it had only lasted a few seconds. Olivia had nipped her bottom lip. It sent new feelings through her body every time she pictured that moment.

It was something she wanted to do again. Over, and over and over. It was one of the only things in her life that felt right.

She was broken from her thoughts by the shrill ringing of her cell phone. She pulled it out of her back pocket and smiled slightly. Olivia. The woman had impeccable timing.

Amanda answered, "Hi, Liv."

"Hi honey, how was the session today?" Olivia's warm voice sent chills down the younger woman's spine.

"It was fine. Tolling."

"I imagine.. Would you like to join Noah and I tonight for dinner? I'll be home soon and I can get something… Talk after he's in bed.."

Amanda let out a sigh, "Liv.. I think I should be alone tonight.. I'm wiped, and I'm probably going to turn in early. I'm sorry."

"Oh.. Well, yea okay.. That's fine. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes Olivia.." She didn't mean to sound as snappy as it sounded, but she shrugged it off. "I'll text you tomorrow."

"Okay honey.. Sleep well. Call me if you need me,

okay?"

I always need you.

"Will do."

After they hung up, Amanda let out a sigh. She wanted more than anything to just go to Olivia's place and be with her and her little cub, but she knew if she was going to try and sort her head out tonight, some alone time would be better.

 **I know it's short but it's something! Just a filler, really. Good stuff next chapter ;)**

 **Anna**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

It had been a few days since the phone call with Olivia. Amanda had avoided the older woman's other calls, and answered texts with short answers. It was nearing 8 PM, thursday night, and the younger woman was growing bored. Laying on the couch, she desperately wanted to work, even if it was desk duty, but she knew asking Olivia for that would just cause a setback. She looked around her empty apartment, loneliness started creeping in.

Maybe distance wasn't the best idea after all.

The bad thoughts always found their way in when she was alone, which was what led her to going out. Drinking. Gambling.

Panic struck, not knowing exactly what to do. She didn't want to gamble right now, did she? Of course not. She hadn't wanted to at all this week..

Her phone broke her thoughts and she stretched her body to reach the device.

Olivia. She's not surprised. The older woman had called every day.

Amanda sighed, answering. " 'Lo?"

"So you are alive."

The younger woman rolled her eyes, "You know I'm fine." She let a small smile play on her lips, she'd missed the older woman's sass.

"Do I?"

"Well now you do."

Olivia sighed on the other end, and Amanda heard her shift. She spoke before she could be reprimanded. "How's the kid?" She missed Noah.

Olivia answered quickly, "Why don't you come over tomorrow night and find out? He misses his brave tiger….. I miss her too…" Amanda shuddered at the softness in Olivia's voice. She wanted the brunette right then and there.

"Liv… I- I've been tryin' to work things out in my head and-"

"Is that why you've been ignoring me? We haven't seen each other since we kissed. Was I that bad?" She tried a bit of humor to lighten the conversation.

Amanda shifted on the couch, "God Liv, no.. You.. you're amazing.. I wanna do it again.. I just I-"

"Then do it. Come over tomorrow night. We can talk. I want to be here for you, Manda, just let me? Come over and play with your little cub… Then we can talk and you can kiss me again. Or not. I really don't care as long as you're here with me."

Amanda choked on tears, not quite understanding how, after she'd deliberately pushed the older woman away, Olivia still wanted her around. She'd tried keeping distance, but that served to be harder and possibly more damaging than it was good. She let out a shaky sigh and agreed.

"Okay fine. What time?"

"7."

"I'll be there. I'll have to let you know if my session with Lindstrom runs late."

She heard Olivia sigh in relief, "That's fine." the older woman paused, "I'm so proud of you, you know that?"

Amanda was stunned, but only for a second. "Why?"

"Because, through everything, you've stayed strong and resilient and so so brave."

"Brave enough to go back to work?"

"Amanda-"

"Kidding." She scoffed, but both she and Olivia knew that she was only half kidding. "I'm just.. Bored. All the time." She found herself not wanting to get off the phone with Olivia just yet. She'd missed the older woman's voice more than she thought, and as she talked on the phone with her, she craved the woman more than ever.

"Well, do you have any hobbies?"

Amanda laid back on the couch, smiling lightly, "Obviously I don't if I'm bored, Liv."

"Okay, sassy pants. So find a hobby. Paint, draw, write.. Collect stamps."

The younger woman let out a chuckle then, not being able to contain it. "Really? Stamp collecting? Sounds invigorating. I'll think about that one."

She heard Olivia laugh on the other end and it nearly knocked the wind out of her. That sound was something she wanted to bottle up and save and keep it only for herself. It was melodic and pure and everything good in the world. In that moment, Amanda knew that she was going to be okay, and it was mostly because she had Olivia Benson at her side.

….

She jolted awake, sweat covering her body, breath heavy and short. Another nightmare. Her step-father had come into her room, only it was present time, she was in her own apartment, and she was restrained to her own bed. He'd somehow come back from the dead, smelling just as bad as he usually did, cigarette in between his fingers and a bottle of jack hanging from his other hand.

She shuddered as tears poured down her face. Her room was dark, the only light in the room was her side table clock, displaying 3:27 AM.

She didn't want to be alone right now. She couldn't.

She scrambled out of her bed and over to her dresser where her phone was charging. Without hesitancy, she tapped Olivia's contact and pressed call. She let out a shaky sob when Olivia answered on the third ring. "Liv," She whispered.

"Honey, what's wrong? Are you crying?" Olivia's voice was raspy from sleep.

"He was here," Amanda's breath hitched, "He had me tied to my bed."

"What? Who, Amanda?"

"Carter.."

Olivia sighed, relieved that no-one had broken into Amanda's apartment and hurt her. She'd thought the worst when the younger woman had called crying. "Love, he's not here. Carter's dead, remember? You're safe. It was a bad dream."

A new wave of tears poured down her cheeks, "God, it felt so real." She sobbed, clutching the phone with tight fingers. "Liv.. I-I don't wanna be alone right now.. I can't-.. I'm scared."

"Alright, okay, you don't have to be.. I can get Noah up-"

"Don't do that, I'll come over.. I-I mean, can I?"

"I don't think you should be out this late at night.. Especially while you're so upset."

"I'll be fine, I just need to get out of this apartment.."

"Alright.. God, Please be careful. I'll be waiting." They ended the call and the younger woman bolted into action.

She threw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, pocketed her phone, then slipped on her shoes and left her apartment. Goosebumps dotted her skin as she stepped into the cold air, and immediately, she felt better. Her apartment didn't feel safe, not after that dream. She felt bad for waking Olivia, but she didn't know what else to do.

She was tired of being alone. Dealing with this on her own. If Olivia wanted to help, she'd do her best to let her. She'd make it up to the older woman, for waking her and being a nuance, but right now, she needed her.

After about twenty minutes of walking, she got impatient, paranoid that someone was watching her, and started running. She missed that burn in her lungs when she went on morning or evening runs. She picked up the pace and soon enough, she was sprinting down the sidewalk, around corners, across streets. She stopped at Olivia's building, deciding to text Olivia instead of buzzing, not wanting to wake Noah. Her heart was beating fast, she was wired. It was nearly 4:30 in the morning and she was standing outside of Olivia's apartment. She was breathing heavily when she finally heard the buzz and she immediately pushed through the doors. She didn't want to wait for an elevator. Instead she darted up the stairs and ran down the long corridor to Olivia's door. Her heart was racing, both from adrenalin and nerves as she knocked lightly.

The second Olivia opened the door, Amanda had thrown her arms around the older woman's neck. She couldn't help herself as she buried her face in the soft locks, her fingers dug into olivia's waist, pulling the older woman closer.

"It was so real." Amanda whispered, feeling Olivia's lips graze the skin of her temple.

"I'm so sorry, Manda.. I'm sorry you had to go through that." It was all the older woman could say at the moment, she didn't know exactly how to go about it yet, so she just pushed the door closed with her foot and pulled Amanda to the couch.

"It's not your fault," the younger woman muttered, pulling away slightly to look at her boss. Even with the evidence of an interrupted sleep, the older woman was beautiful. She was wearing a tank top with a thick cardigan draped over her shoulders and soft cotton yoga pants. Her face was clean of any makeup, and her hair lay in soft, messy curls around her shoulders. "I'm really sorry for waking you, Liv."

"No, no, it's okay. I'm glad you called. I'd rather you call me in the middle of the night than just sit and be by yourself." Her voice was raspy with sleep. She sighed and brushed a strand of Amanda's hair from her cheek, concerned brown eyes searching her face for anything that would tell her what was going on.

"It was just a really bad nightmare. That's all."

Olivia nodded, fingers still lingering on the younger woman's cheek. "Do you want to talk about it? Or try and get some more sleep?"

"I can't talk about it right now. I just… I wanna be, uh, I wanna be near you." She blushed slightly, looking down at her fingers.

"Okay, that's okay. Let's go to my room. I can give you something to change into and I'll stay with you until you fall asleep." Olivia moved to stand up, but Amanda pulled her back down, slipping an arm around the older woman's waist, underneath the large cardigan.

"Let's go in a minute.. Right now I just.." Amanda trailed off, instead leaning in to press her lips against Olivia's. Her mind was constantly whirring with thoughts, good and bad, but in this particular moment, there was only one that was perfectly clear. She only needed Olivia. That's it. Just to be near her was enough to send the bad thoughts away for a few moments.

Olivia stiffened, unsure about what was happening, but complied hesitantly, slipping her fingers into Amanda's hair.

Amanda pressed closer to the older woman, her lips dragging across Olivia's in a slow kiss, both of their lips parting to deepen slightly.

Amanda pulled away slightly, a light smacking sound broke the silence as their lips parted, and she gazed deeply into the brunette's eyes. "I'm sorry I pushed you away. I don't know why I thought I could do this on my own. I can't."

Olivia breathed out slowly, "I know it's hard to accept help from someone, but you have to know that it's completely okay. I want to help you. I want to be here for you. But I can't make you do anything.. talk to me, be with me..Whatever you think is best for you, we'll do."

Amanda didn't respond, only pressed her lips against Olivia's again, parting the older woman's mouth immediately, dipping her tongue in for the first time. She shuddered when she heard Olivia let out a small sound, almost like a moan.

When they pulled away, they both knew that talking wasn't going to be necessary. Instead, Olivia pulled the younger woman up and led her to her bedroom. Amanda changed into borrowed sleep clothes in the bathroom, then joined Olivia, albeit hesitantly, in the large bed.

She was asleep in minutes, laying next to the woman who was helping her heal. Taking her pain away, little by little.

She was a ways away from full recovery, but the journey didn't seem so bad as long as she had Olivia.

 **It kinda sucks but you guys deserve another one. I need a beta, so if anyone is interested, you can reach me through PM on here, or you can follow me on twitter- Olivianna4015**

 **Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter!**


	10. Chapter 10

**So… Reviews are little to none, (with the exception of Sheepish. And guest reviewer BJ) and it's discouraging, because nothing is motivating me to continue this story, and I really want to finish it. So please keep reviews coming, it makes me happier than you think.**

 **Chapter 10**

Amanda's eyes slipped open the next morning, a bliss like state taking over her body. She woke up well rested, comfortable, for the first time in what felt like years. She buried her face into the pillow and inhaled the familiar scent. Olivia.

Her eyes widened for a second, realization set in. She was in Olivia's bed. She turned a bit and saw that the spot next to her was empty. Golden rays of sunlight dotted the room, and she relaxed back into the softness. She slept well, and she had a feeling it was because of how safe she felt when she was near Olivia.

She wanted to thank the older woman. She wanted to get up, walk into the living room or kitchen or wherever Olivia was, and hug her.

Nobody put up with Amanda as much as the other woman did, and for that, she was thankful.

She inhaled slowly, then exhaled before sitting up, resting back on her palms. It was only a few moments before a slight knock on the door interrupted her thoughts, and Olivia pushed the door open, resting her shoulder against the frame. "How are you feeling this morning?" Her voice was soothing and void of any judgment or resentment.

"Better.. Haven't slept like that in.. a while."

Olivia smiled, "Good, I'm glad," She paused, openly taking in the sight before her. It felt very domestic and intimate, and they both craved it. "Noah and I made breakfast. Feeling up for some pancakes with assorted berries?"

"He know I'm here?"

"Not yet, he's watching some educational cartoons. Figured I'd let you sleep. If he knew, you'd have been up hours ago." She chuckled, moving to the bed to sit next to the younger woman. "Amanda… What happened last night?"

Amanda blushed, feeling embarrassed about her behavior and actions. "Just.. just a rough night.. I'm sorry I-"

Olivia cupped her cheek, shaking her head softly, "Don't apologize honey, I just wanna know what caused it. I'm glad you came here instead of doing anything that could harm you or cause a setback."

Her skin tingled where her boss' hand was resting, and she felt goosebumps form on her arms and legs. Olivia did things to her that she didn't know she was capable of feeling.

"Liv, I know I haven't been the easiest to handle lately, so thank you for.. y'know.. puttin' up with me."

"It's my pleasure."

Amanda leaned in, needing the contact with Olivia she'd gotten last night, needing to feel the older woman's lips against hers. It was overwhelming.

She cupped both of the older woman's cheeks and pressed her lips against the pair in front of her. She'd never grow tired of kissing Olivia. She'd never _not_ want to.

Olivia exhaled softly into Amanda's mouth as they kissed, lips parting, tongues connecting.

Amanda tried to stay calm, tried keeping her thoughts on the woman she was kissing, and nothing else. It was just kissing, nothing more had to happen. It was just Olivia.

For the first time in her life, she felt the need to stop _herself_ , not someone else. The kiss grew heated, and when she heard Olivia moan lowly, she knew it was time to taper down.

She drew her lips away from Olivia's, instead dragging them down the older woman's chin, nipping lightly at the skin under her jaw before resting her head on a strong shoulder.

"God, Olivia.. This is so new for me-"

"Did I get too carried away?" Olivia cut in, breathing slightly labored.

" _No_ , no. I was.. I just.. I've never felt this kind of.. _need_ and it's overwhelming. I needed to stop."

Olivia pulled away, holding Amanda's shoulders. they locked gazes, and Amanda couldn't help but glance at the other woman's kiss swollen lips.

Beautiful.

"Please tell me if we go too fast for you.. The last thing I want is for you to feel pressured or rushed."

"I promise I will tell you if we go too fast."

"Good." Olivia nodded once, biting her lip lightly before letting out a breath. "Why don't you come out and join my son and I for a sugary breakfast?" She smirked, brushing a stray of blonde hair away from the younger woman's eye.

"I'd love to. Just let me freshen up and I'll be right out."

"Okay. We'll be waiting." Olivia placed a quick kiss on the corner of Amanda's mouth before leaving.

Amanda couldn't stop her eyes from traveling appreciatively to the slight sway of the older woman's hips as she walked out.

Controlling these new feelings was proving to be harder than she thought.

…..

" _MANDA?"_

Amanda smiled at the shocked expression on Noah's face, mouth full of fruit as he spoke.

"Hi bud." She ruffled his hair and sat down next to Olivia, who was smiling too.

He chewed quickly and swallowed, setting his fork down, "Ware you come fom?" He didn't let her answer before continuing, "We play puzzle after breffust?"

"Baby, why don't we let her eat? C'mon, eat your blueberries for mommy." Olivia commanded softly, sipping her hot tea. She arched an eyebrow and smirked at Amanda.

"Sure we can, little cub. But we gotta eat all our breakfast so mommy is happy!" Amanda whispered loudly, conspiratorially.

He giggled, shoveling another bite into his mouth. "Mommy is not YOUR mommy! She my mommy!"

Amanda would be lying if she said she wasn't truly happy in this moment. She didn't know it only took a breakfast with two people she cared about to make her forget all the shit that was wrong with her and her life. She leaned forward glancing at the older woman who watched on in amusement, and the back at Noah. "Well if she isn't my mommy, than what is she?"

"Mommy your _friend."_ He replied, as if to say _duh._

Amanda felt Olivia's hand on her thigh, a firm presence. "Can she be my best friend?"

Noah took another bite and furrowed his brow in thought. After a moment, he smiled, "Yes she can be your bessfend. You my bessfend too. We _bave tigers."_

…..

Olivia had fallen asleep on the couch shortly after lunch, and Amanda felt like she was intruding now. Noah was sleeping too, head buried in his mother's lap, a stuffed tiger standing no chance of survival in the grip he had on it. It was such an intimate moment, she felt out of place.

She bit her lip and fought tears.

The quiet seeped in, consuming her and telling her that it was time to leave. She'd intruded enough by waking the older woman from her sleep, it was time to go home and give mother and son some time alone.

She stood up, ready to gather her things, when Olivia's voice broke the silence. "Come lay down with us, honey." She muttered softly, voice raspy with hints of sleep.

Amanda looked at the spot next to Olivia. It _did_ look very comfortable. Maybe because it was right next to the brunette. Maybe she didn't want to leave, and napping with them was a good reason to stay.

"Cmon," Olivia continued, brushing her fingers through her hair. "He was due for a nap and Could use one too. Let's go lay down in my bed and we can relax."

How the hell was she supposed to say no to _that?_

She nodded, not able to find the right words, or any words for that matter, and watched as Olivia picked her son up. He was still sound asleep when they walked into the bedroom, and Olivia set him down on the right side of the bed. Olivia laid down next to him and he immediately curled into her body.

Amanda took a deep breath before climbing in next to Olivia. She wanted to touch the other woman. Rest her hand on her waist or brush her fingers through her hair. But she was nervous. It was just a nap, there should be any pressure.

She felt Olivia reach back and grab her hand, pulling it around her body, and Amanda sighed, relieved that the older woman was the one to initiate the contact. She scooted closer, spooning Olivia from behind, hand resting under the other woman's on her stomach.

An overwhelming sensation washed over her. She knew that, if things were really going to be as serious with Olivia as they were starting to get, she needed to talk.

If Olivia was going to end it, she'd rather it be sooner than later.

Because when she thinks about it, telling Olivia what she was planning to, was going to be the determining factor of whether or not Olivia would be able to _really_ handle her.

She buried her face into Olivia's hair and inhaled softly. Her lips brushed against the warm skin of the other woman's neck, and she felt a shudder.

God, she hoped Olivia meant it when she said she wasn't going anywhere.

 **More soon….. if you review.**

 **Anna**


	11. Chapter 11

**So I was not disappointed. Wow! Thank you all so much for the reviews, it means a lot to me. I may or may not have something else in the works.. ;)**

 **Read on**

 **Chapter 11**

She woke up to fingers against the skin of her face. Tiny fingers. Her cheeks were being poked and she felt a heavy weight on her ribs, and when she opened her eyes, she saw why.

Noah had taken the initiative to wake her up.

" _Wake up,_ Aman'na. Mommy says you have 'poi-ment."

Poiment? Her foggy brain took a second to register the word, but then she smiled. Appointment. "That's right, I gotta get up."

"You _snorin'_ loud!" The young boy exclaimed, giggling.

"I was _not!"_ She feigned shock, picking him up and carrying him out. She flipped him upside down and nibbled his tiny feet. "I was growling like a tiger."

They made their way into the living room where Olivia was.

"Mommy!" He shrieked, his laughter bursting out. It was such a pleasant sound. Something she wanted to hear all the time.

"She's got you, sweet boy!" Olivia smiled, up from the couch, glasses perched on her nose. "Unhand my child!" She smirked, moving her computer off of her lap and onto the coffee table.

Amanda flipped the little boy back around and plopped down next to Olivia. Noah immediately crawled into his mother's lap, still giggling. "She almos' eated me!"

Olivia kissed his forehead, then smirked at Amanda, "Well… you _do_ look pretty tasty." She locked her arms around his small waist, nibbling his cheeks. He let out another shriek of laughter, legs flailing in attempt to get away.

He broke free and ran into his room, most likely plotting revenge with his stuffed animals.

"I love that kid," Amanda spoke softly, smile still on her lips.

Olivia turned her head towards the younger woman, dark eyes piercing into her soul. "Come here," she whispered, holding a hand out.

Amanda wasted no time moving into the older woman's embrace, an arm winding around her waist. "How'd you sleep?" The brunette asked, fingers threading through soft blond hair.

"Surprisingly well. I.. haven't been getting much of it in the past few days so it was much needed."

"Nightmares?"

Amanda buried her face in Olivia's neck and hummed, not wanting to ruin this good moment with dark memories and nightmares. She would have to talk to Olivia after this session with Dr. Lindstrom and she just wanted a few moments of bliss before reality and darkness crashed around her again.

Thankfully, Olivia could tell she didn't want to discuss it and instead kissed the top of her head. "You still gonna come over for dinner after?"

Amanda lifted her head and locked eyes with the older woman, "Yes, I don't think I'd be able to be alone after anyway."

Olivia smiled softly, fingers stroking Amanda's warm cheek, "Fine by me."

The younger woman couldn't take it anymore, the proximity, the softness of the moment, everything entwined and it made the desire to kiss the older woman unbearable. She could do that now. She didn't have to hold back. So she didn't.

She pressed her lips to Olivia's in a slow, soft kiss, and kept them there. She felt Olivia's fingers wind into her hair, firmly holding her close.

Every kiss with Olivia topped the one before.

Her body tingled the longer they stayed connected, and the need to do something took over. She parted her lips, letting her tongue swipe the older woman's plump bottom lip, and immediately, Olivia reciprocated. Soon enough, they were locked in a tangle of tongues and breath, and it was pure heaven.

The younger woman leaned back, pulling Olivia with her. Olivia held herself up with her arms against the arm of the couch.

The feelings surging through Amanda as they kissed deeply were intense and new and she craved more contact. She wasn't sure when fear would kick in, she knew it would if things got too far, but she would know unless she pushed herself.

Her had, which was planted firmly on Olivia's hip, moved around and down, over the curve of the older woman's bottom. She cupped the new territory and pulled Olivia closer, deepening the kiss in the process.

Olivia moaned, a sound so foreign, but so welcome to the younger woman's ears, she had to pull away. This moment felt surreal. She locked gazes with Olivia, dark eyes in front of her wide, pupils dilated. She opened her mouth to speak, to tell the older woman how much she meant to her, but a crash in the direction of Noah's room, followed by a squeaked ' _I'm okay!'_ broke the moment.

Olivia let out a strangled breath. "Shit," she muttered, kissing Amanda's cheek before pulling away and disappearing quickly into the hallway.

Amanda breathed out, overwhelmed by what had just happened, and the intensity of it all.

She looked at the time on the dim computer screen, seeing that it was nearing 4:45 PM. Her appointment was at 5:15. She needed to get going.

She got up from the couch, running her fingers through her slightly tangled hair and she made her way into Noah's room.

"Hey, Liv," She spoke, taking in the sight before her. Noah was sitting cross legged on his bed, Olivia perched next to him, and a pouty look was on his face. She suppressed the smile that threatened to break when she noticed a stack of books was scattered across the floor. "I gotta get goin'.." She leaned in the doorway.

"Stay here, baby." The older woman muttered to Noah, then stood up and walked over towards Amanda. "Are you okay?" She asked softly, eyes dipping to the younger woman's kiss swollen lips.

The shorter woman blushed slightly, dipping her head before nodding. "Better than I thought I'd be.."

Olivia nodded, a smile curling at the edges of her mouth. "Well, text or call if you end up staying late.. I'll pick you up."

"Do.. Do you think we could stop by my place? before heading back here?"

"Sure.. why?"

"I wanna grab a few things. I-if that's alright."

"Aman'na you have sleepover here?" Came a soft voice from behind Olivia, and it took everything not to take him into her arms and squeeze him.

Olivia arched an eyebrow at Amanda, then turned to her son. "Only if you clean up the books you knocked over."

Noah sniffed and looked at Amanda, who threw her hands up, "Don't look at me, she's the boss."

…

"Amanda, you look well rested." Dr. Lindstrom smiled, slipping his thin framed glasses on.

Amanda chuckled dryly, sitting down in the usual chair across from the man she's grown to trust. "Which is weird because I've been getting almost no sleep in the past few days."

"Care to explain?"

She leaned back, getting comfortable. "Nightmares. He's never going to leave me alone, even if he's dead."

"What happens in these nightmares?" Dr. Lindstrom asked, opening his black notebook. Amanda'd grown used to seeing him take notes, and it was somewhat comforting. Like he was taking these horrible memories and thoughts from her brain and putting them somewhere else.

"They're more like memories. Slow motion versions of things he.. things he did to me.. and sometimes I'm watching it happen to me, like an out of body experience, or it's like it's happening to me directly, like I'm going through it again."

"I can see where that would take it's toll on your sleeping habit." He commented, jotting a few things down. "Tell me, when was the last time you slept? Do you remember the dream you had then?"

Amanda thought for a minute, then a blush took over. The last sleep she had was the nap with Olivia and Noah. No bad dreams, no good dreams, just a blank slate. A peaceful sleep.

"Uh.. The last time was earlier today when I took a nap with.. ah.."

"With Olivia?"

She nodded, then quickly added "And Noah. We all napped together after lunch."

"Any dreams?"

"Actually no. It was the most peaceful sleep I've had in a few weeks now." She knew exactly why. She had Olivia in her arms, her scent, her body, all of it made her feel amazingly safe. Comfortable.

Dr. Lindstrom gave her a knowing smile, but continued on, professionally. "So, I have some news for you. I talked to a sex trauma psychiatrist who would be more than willing to continue these sessions with you, but only if you want to. You're more than welcome to continue here with me, but whatever makes you more comfortable. You don't have to make any decisions right now, but I'll give you her card and you can talk it over with Olivia or give Dr. Corra a call."

Amanda took the card from his hand, on it was a phone number a name, and an address.

Dr. Vivienne Corra.

"Do you think I need to see her?"

Dr. Lindstrom smiled, "I think you need to do whatever it takes to get you back on track. Onto a healthier track even. She specializes in cases like yours, and she's helped many people. I have no doubt she'll help you too."

Amanda stared at the small card. Was she ready to retell her story to someone new? Crack open those doors that she'd desperately tried to keep shut?

"Set up an appointment with her, Amanda. See how you interact with her, see if you'll be comfortable talking to her. It couldn't hurt."

Amanda wiped a tear away from her eye, not exactly sure why she was crying. "You just want me outta here." She chuckled, attempting humor.

"You're right, but for the reason you think. I want you back to work and having a functional life and healthy relationships. Whether it be with a friend or a lover." He held out the tissue box and she took a few, wiping her eyes.

"Liv and I… Things are getting intense, and I honestly.. I don't know my limit, and the last thing I want to do is push it too far and hurt her, or have a flashback, or even clam up on her. She's been so patient with me and I don't want to do that to her."

"Your limit when it comes to intimacy?"

Amanda nodded, blushing.

"No one's to say what your limit is.. I agree though, that you shouldn't push it too far, but do what makes you feel safe. I know she'd be understanding if you had to cut it short."

The younger woman picked at the hem of her shirt. "I think I'm more scared of her seeing what.. what Carter did to my body.. There's scars.."

"You know she has scars too."

"I know. She's the last person who'd judge me."

"So why are you _really_ afraid?" He asked, slipping his glasses off.

Amanda let out a strangled breath and swiped at her water eyes. "I did things.. I played along with _him_ so he wouldn't hurt me. I pretended.. and I acted like I.. Like I _liked_ what he was doing. And I regret it every day. I hate myself for that. I feel disgusting."

Dr. Lindstrom was silent for a moment, and then he spoke. "Do you want to know why I think of that?"

Amanda cringed and looked away. Obviously preparing for his own disgust.

"I think that that was you trying to _survive._ And you did. You survived his brutality, and you came out stronger than you think."

Her mouth dropped open, eyes snapping towards his.

 _Stronger than you think._

…

The air was cool by the time she made it outside of Dr. Lindstrom's building. It was nearing 7 PM. She'd texted Olivia before she went outside, and the older woman replied with a quick text, _Be there in 15._

She fingered the card in her jacket pocket, contemplating whether or not she should call the woman tomorrow or continue her sessions with Lindstrom.

Maybe talking about her relationship with Olivia with a woman would be more comforting to her, but she didn't think she was ready to open up to a _third_ person.

She was deep in thought when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped back at the contact.

"Sorry, love. I didn't mean to startle you."

She didn't speak, only wrapped her arms around Olivia, enveloping her in a tight embrace. "You alright?" The older woman asked, hugging her back softly.

"I just missed you." Amanda whispered.

"It's only been a couple of hours, Manda," Olivia chuckled, pulling back to look at Amanda's watery eyes. She knew something was off but she didn't push.

"I know."

The older woman's eyes bore into Amanda's before she leaned in, placing a soft kiss on the younger woman's lips.

Their first kiss outside of their apartments, in public.

Amanda twirled her fingers through the ends of Olivia's hair, then pulled away slightly. "Where's Noah?" She asked, her voice slightly breathy.

"I called Lucy over a few minutes before you texted. That way we can just grab what you need and pick up some dinner."

Amanda nodded. They entwined their fingers as they made their way to Olivia's car.

Fifteen minutes later, Olivia's sitting on Amanda's bed as the younger woman tossed clothes and a few necessities into an overnight bag.

"I don't have work tomorrow, maybe we could go out for some breakfast then take Noah to the zoo. He really wants to see those tigers." Olivia chuckled, crossing her legs and leaning back, hands propping her up.

"That sounds fun." Amanda smiled, setting the bag down next to the bed and moving to stand in front of Olivia.

The older woman immediately changed positions, letting her hands rest on Amanda's hips as she looked up at the blonde.

"You look bothered, honey." Olivia said warily.

"I gotta tell you something before.. before _this_ gets serious."

Olivia raised her brows, clearest taken aback by the younger woman's words. "I thought it _was_ serious."

"I mean.. before we.. you know.."

"Have sex."

"Right."

Olivia nodded, "Okay. Well I'm all ears. Take your time."

Amanda sighed and pulled away from Olivia. She paced around the room before stopping, hands brushing her hair back. "I uh. I did things. So Carter wouldn't.. so he wouldn't hurt me. I played along. I pretended I liked it."

Olivia's gaze never broke, she didn't look away in disgust, she didn't do anything.

Amanda continued, "He would cut me with his hunting knife if I fought back, and.. I learned quickly that he wouldn't be as rough if- if I went along."

She couldn't stop the wave of tears that threatened to fall, and she turned away from the woman in front of her. This was the end of whatever they'd started. She was sure of it.

She inhaled sharply when she felt Olivia's arms slip around her waist from behind.

"I will _never.._ Lay a forceful or harmful hand on you. You didn't deserve it from him, you don't deserve it ever." Olivia's voice was raspy, almost as if she were crying too. Amanda couldn't turn around to see though, she only let out a sob.

Olivia brushed the younger woman's hair away from the side of her neck, placing a kiss on the warm skin there. "I hate him for what he did to you. You didn't deserve any of that. I don't know how else to express this.. I am so grateful that you trust me enough to tell me these things. And I will never judge you for the decisions you make or have made in the past."

Amanda turned around in Olivia arms and looked into the chocolate eyes before her. "Why are you with me? Why do you care about me so much?" She asked, amazed and confused at the words and actions of the older woman.

Olivia smiled, eyes shiny with unshed tears. "Don't you know?"

Amanda furrowed her brows, unsure of what the older woman was saying.

Olivia kissed one cheek, then the other, then kissed her softly on the lips before speaking again.

"I _always_ take care of the people I love."

 **:O**

 **The** _ **L**_ **word… How crazy. Too soon? I don't think so. I like this chapter. It soothed me when I had an anxiety attack yesterday. So here it is. Hopefully you all like it. Keep those reviews coming!**

 **Anna**


	12. Chapter 12

**Okay so I think I know what I'm gonna do with this. Hopefully I stay motivated enough to finish it!**

 **Chapter 12**

She stared down at the small card, the edges of it folded slightly, her fingers having worn them down. She'd talked to Olivia after they got back to her place, after they ate, and after Noah was put to bed. She told Olivia about the session with Dr. Lindstrom and her fears about opening up to a new person, but Olivia had told her that it might be a good idea to meet the woman, at least just to say that she tried.

When they went to bed, Olivia had wrapped her arms around the younger woman in a loving embrace and they slept soundly. Amanda'd gone another night without nightmares. Well, another sleep. She firmly believed it was the safety and comfort of Olivia's apartment, of her bed and the warmth of being in the older woman's arms.

Now, as she sit curled up on Olivia's couch in her living room in the early morning, she contemplates calling Dr. Corra.

Olivia and Noah were still sound asleep when she woke up, and nearly an hour later, there was still no sign of either of them stirring. She let out a frustrated sigh and tossed the card onto the coffee table.

She made her way back into Olivia's bedroom, stopping at the doorway. She watched as the older woman slept soundly in her bed. She'd kicked the blankets off, and her shirt had risen to her ribs, exposing her smooth, caramel skin, interrupted by lighter colored scars.

And then it hit her.

Olivia'd been through shit too. She'd seen her own hell, and still, she continues to help the younger woman. Even though the brunette had her own problems and demons to face.

Amanda didn't know whether to feel guilty for bringing this all on Olivia, or grateful that the woman she was falling for had decided to be what she didn't have all her life. A rock, an anchor in a stormy sea.

Amanda was hurtling over the edge of a rocky cliff and Olivia Benson, of all people, was the safety net that would catch her before impact.

"Manda."

Her eyes snap up from Olivia's stomach to her eyes, seeing that they're open and dazed, obviously still sleepy.

"Hey. Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, no, I usually wake up around this time." The older woman stretched, arms rising over her head, exposing more skin. Amanda's mouth went dry, with a new feeling bubbling in her stomach.

Control was something Amanda never had, it was something that she craved, and right now, in this intimate moment between her and her… Whatever Olivia was to her, she wanted control.

We'll go at your pace.

Olivia's words bounce around in her head as she makes her way to the older woman. She crawls onto the bed, placing a hand on Olivia's bare side and shifts closer to her.

Olivia tenses, but Amanda doesn't stop. She doesn't pull her hand away from warm, soft skin, she doesn't stop herself from leaning down, and she doesn't stop her lips from brushing softly against the marred flesh of Olivia's ribs and abdomen.

"What're you doing?" She hears the brunette rasp. A hand brushed through her tangled blonde hair.

Amanda inhales the sweet scent of Olivia's perfume, most likely still there from the day before, and looks up at wide brown eyes. "I know you've been through a lot too. In your life. I'm sorry that these past few weeks have only been about me."

"Oh, baby. I don't feel that way at all. Just because we've been focusing on you doesn't mean I won't let you know when I need a little me time. Or.. or us time. I know what you're going through right now, and it's completely okay to need attention and help. I'll gladly give you both for as long as you want it."

Amanda presses her finger into Olivia's skin, and moments later, she has her lips fused to the plump ones in front of her.

Olivia was lying beneath her, her body half on top of the older woman's, and their limbs tangled together as they kiss.

Control was a funny thing. She had control over the situation right now, but not herself. No, she was quickly losing it when she pushed Olivia further into the soft pillows as her tongue made it's way into the older woman's mouth.

She was going to keep a journal of every new feeling Olivia was giving her over the past few weeks.

"Honey, don't push yourself," she heard Olivia mutter against her lips, but she ignored it. Instead, she let her hand trail further up the older woman's body, fingertips brushing against the underside of Olivia's breast.

" _Amanda_." A gasp ripped from Olivia's lips and the sound was delicious and comforting and..

Warning?

She closed her eyes and kissed Olivia again, hand sliding up to cup the older woman's breast, supple flesh filling her palm in the process.

She was going too fast, being reckless with her own process, and possibly scaring Olivia off, but she couldn't stop.

The need and desire that had drove her to kissing the woman was quickly changing into a need to forget that there was bad in the world, that evil was in the people you trusted most.

She kissed Olivia harder, feeling her body react to the way the brunette was writhing under her, to the way the older woman's nipple hardened under her palm.

When she opened her eyes, what she saw was not what she expected to see. Olivia's eyes were clouded with desire, but also concern.

" _Jesus_." Amanda hissed, pulling her hand away from Olivia's breast. "I'm sorry."

Olivia sat up when the younger woman pulled away. "Amanda, it's okay."

"No, I shouldn't have done that. It's too soon."

"That's okay, we don't have to do anything, just please say here with me."

Amanda shook her head and bolted from the bedroom, ignoring Olivia's calls. She didn't want to wake Noah, but she couldn't stop her feet from moving. She was out the door and running down the stairs before she knew it. She didn't look back to see if Olivia was following her, she just ran, bare feet and all.

Maybe she didn't have control.

…

"Why do you do that?"

She looked up from the bench she was curled up on, feet tucked under her, to see Olivia standing in front of her. Arms crossed, cheeks red, eyes dark.

They were in a park near Olivia's apartment, and few people were out, due to the relatively early time.

"Do what?" Amanda murmured, resting her forehead against her knees.

" _Look_ at me." Olivia demands softly. When the blonde does, she continues. "You run. When things don't go your way or when you get scared, you run. You can't do that anymore."

Amanda rolls her eyes and looks past Olivia. "I'm not good for you. I saw it in your eyes earlier. This is too much for you."

Olivia laughed humorlessly, "Oh, so you know what's good for me? You know what I can handle?" She moved closer to the younger woman, leaning forward and resting her hands on the bench on either sides of Amanda's shoulders. "I told you, from the start, that I am here for whatever you need me for. But I'm not going to sit here and let you run every time you get scared."

Amanda let a few tears run down her cheeks and she looked up at the older woman. Their faces were inches apart, and it took everything in her not to wrap her arms around Olivia's neck. "Liv.. I saw it in your eyes. You were scared of me. I touched you and you got scared."

Olivia shook her head, "I was scared for you. Scared that I'd hurt you if we continued, if we went farther. I was scared of how turned on I was when you touched me.. When you kissed me.. But I wasn't- I'm not scared of you."

Amanda felt Olivia's hand cup her cheek, "Honey, I'm not scared of you. Okay? Stop running from me. We've gotten so far and there's been so much progress.. Don't keep running. It's not healthy. It's reckless and painful for you and for me and for my son. He loves you and if you run, he won't understand. We both love you and I want you to heal."

Olivia was rambling, on the verge of tears. Amanda stopped her words with her lips, pressing them together in a chaste kiss.

"I'm sorry." The younger woman whispered against Olivia's lips. "I'm so sorry I keep putting you through this. You and Noah don't deserve this."

Olivia shook her head and pressed her lips against Amanda's again. "You know that's not true. You don't deserve to be in this pain. You deserve to be loved. Let me do that for you. Let me and my son show you that you deserve light and love."

Amanda sniffled, more tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Okay." She spoke silently, "Okay."

 **Sorry I took so long! This is not the end, I have plenty more to write for these two. Next chapter will introduce my first OC character, Dr. Vivenne Corra. You may or may not support my idea to possibly switch therapists, but this is all for a reason! Bare with me here, people!**

 **Anna**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

It was tuesday evening. Amanda had made an appointment with Dr. Corra on saturday before the zoo with Olivia and Noah. The weekend went by fast, and Amanda had stayed home Monday night, just so Olivia could spend some quality time with her son before work the next day.

Amanda approached the office door of Vivienne Corra, nervously, and knocked.

Moments later, the woman opened the door, inviting Amanda in. "Amanda Rollins, it's very nice to meet you! I'm Vivienne Corra, but you can call me Vivienne or Dr. Corra. Whatever makes you more comfortable." The doctor exclaimed eagerly, holding her hand out for the younger woman to shake.

Amanda smiled politely, shaking the woman's hand. She looked close to Olivia's age, maybe older, with wavy black hair, bright blue eyes, and a pale complexion. "Nice to meet you."

"Dr. Lindstrom gave me your file, with your permission, and I've just gone over it. Today will mostly be you and I getting to know each other, we'll see if you feel comfortable enough to carry out sessions with me, and if so, we'll dive into what you're going through. Sound good?" She smiled brightly, almost as if her profession wasn't about a dark subject such as sex trauma.

"Ah, yes. That sounds good to me."

"Please have a seat and we can get started!" The older woman motioned towards the leather chairs, and they both sat.

Dr. Corra slipped on thick rimmed glasses, opened the file, and smiled softly. "I see here what you've been through, but I would like you to tell me what you are comfortable with, and we'll go from there."

"Well, I suffer from addiction. Gambling. And uh.. PTSD. From sexual assault when I was younger."

Dr. Corra nodded, "Is your sexual assault the cause of your gambling addiction?"

"Yes, I think so."

"I can see how something traumatic could lead to a sort of.. outlet.. and addictions, although pesky, are completely treatable. So is PTSD. It will definitely take some time, but with the right support system and form of treatment, I don't see why you can't get back on your feet."

The words, although repetitive, were somehow relieving to hear. Especially from a complete stranger.

"What do you do for a living, Ms. Rollins?"

Amanda smiled slightly, "You can call me Amanda."

"Okay, Amanda. What do you do?"

"I'm a sex crimes detective."

Dr. Corra's eyes widened, a smile crossing her face, "Such noble work! It takes courage to work in a sex based field."

"It does. I have good coworkers. A good boss." Her mind flashed to the morning a few days ago, in Olivia's bed. The way her skin felt against her hand, her lips and tongue, and she smiled subconsciously. She had a _really_ great boss.

"Do you have anyone in your life? A significant other?" The question brought her back to present time, and it shocked her.

"Uh, yes. Her name is Olivia."

"Tell me about Olivia."

Amanda blushed and shook her head, not quite knowing how to talk about the older woman. "She's beautiful, smart, confident.. She has a son named Noah, and she's so good with him. She's the best mother I've ever seen. She's a Lieutenant, and she's crazy intimidating."

Dr. Corra laughed at the last part, "She sounds great. Does she help you in your healing process? Is she aware of your situation?"

Amanda nodded, scratching her wrist nervously, "She's the reason I'm here."

"She must really care about you."

Amanda nodded, "I care about her too."

Dr. Corra smiled, "It's good to have someone there for you through rough times."

Amanda nodded, not having any words. She didn't know how to read this woman, but she was starting to feel more comfortable. Talking to a woman about her issues and trauma was admittedly easier than talking to a man about it.

Dr. Corra crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. "I can sense that you're reluctant to open up, and that's completely okay. We're just getting to know each other right now, so how about I tell you a little about me, huh?"

Amanda smirked, curious as to what this woman was going to tell her. "Okay."

The older woman smiled and sat up straight, " _Well,_ I am married, my husband Emerson and I have two kids, both in high school. Kersten and Myles. Before I became a sex therapist, before my husband and kids, I lived in a halfway house. From age 18 to age 26, I was virtually homeless, and then I met my husband."

Amanda was utterly shocked at what Dr. Corra revealed, not expecting her to be so open about anything personal in her life. "A halfway house?"

"I was bounced around foster homes as a child until 18, which is when I moved to the house."

Amanda shook her head, "How.. how are you here right now? Successful? Married with kids? If I.. Well.. I did go through something traumatic, but I mean, how did you find the will to do all of that?"

Dr. Corra smiled once again, something that seemed to be a natural thing, almost as if she didn't realize she was doing it, and spoke.

"Everything affects us Amanda, from the type of coffee we drink, to being in a traumatic experience. Everything has an affect on us, but that's not what controls you, your decision making and way of living. Control and loss of control comes from how you deal with things, how you react and choose to see a situation. For me, it was, ' _you can either do this and be this way for the rest of your life, or you can do what's best and try to improve the situation and carry on with your life.'_ You know? Nobody has control over you except for you.

Now, with you, I understand that your control was taken from you by your stepfather. What I'm here to do for you, is show you that the effects of his abuse should not control you. You are the only one who can control you from here on out. You understand what I'm saying?"

Amanda was silent, absorbing all of the words the doctor had told her. With no words to speak, she simply nodded.

It was silent for a few moments before Amanda finally had something to say. "When can I make the next appointment?"

…

Olivia had told her that she could come over after her appointment, so that's what she did. She always found herself to be a little nervous when she was around the older woman, but she chalked it down to it being the feelings that she had for Olivia were making her nervous. They were only a few weeks into their relationship, and already, Amanda was experiencing desires and needs and everything she didn't know she could feel. Especially after Carter. Although scary, Olivia was awakening new and frightening things inside of her.

She made it to Olivia's apartment and let herself in, per request by the older woman. She knew that Noah was out on a dinner/park date with Lucy, so her nerves were more on edge than usual. Being alone with Olivia and keeping her hands to herself was proving to be a difficult task.

"Liv?" She called out into the apartment, not seeing the brunette in the living room or kitchen. She made her way back towards the bedrooms. She noticed that Olivia's door was ajar, the light in the room giving off a golden glow in the dark hallway.

Amanda padded towards Olivia's room, softly knocking twice before pushing the door open.

Her mouth went dry.

Olivia had just shed her silk black work blouse, leaving her in her slacks and a sheer black bra. Amanda felt guilty for intruding and turned on all at once.

"Oh my god.." She muttered, turning around.

" _Amanda,"_ Olivia gasped, crossing her arms over her exposed flesh.

"I'm so sorry!" She went to leave the room, feeling embarrassed and flushed, but Olivia stopped her.

"Wait, it's okay. You don't have to leave, let me just finish changing in the bathroom. Wait here." Her voice was calm, a change from her earlier shock.

Amanda sat on the bed, avoiding looking at Olivia. A few minutes later, the older woman made her way out of the bathroom, tossing her work clothes into the hamper by her closet. She had a pair of dark skinny jeans and a plain white shirt with a tan cardigan sweater. Her hair was in a neat, half up-half down style. She looked gorgeous.

"I'm sorry I barged in on you. I'm so embarrassed."

Olivia smiled, sat down next to the younger woman, and pulled her into a quick, but passionate kiss. When she pulled away, she smirked, "I don't ever want you apologizing after seeing me shirtless again."

Amanda's eyes widened and she smiled, and seconds later, both women were laughing. The younger woman was grateful that things didn't turn out awkward after what had just happened. "I really didn't mean to though."

Olivia wrapped her arms around the blonde and kissed her temple, "I know." They were quiet for a few moments before Olivia spoke again. "How was the appointment? Talk about anything good?"

"You."

"So no?"

Amanda playfully slapped Olivia's thigh, then wrapped her arms around the older woman's waist. She loved being in her arms. "You're _amazing,_ Liv."

"So are you." She felt Olivia's fingers thread through her hair, and her eyes slipped closed. "But really, how was it?"

"It was good, I like her. We made another appointment for thursday." She murmured into Olivia's neck, breathing in the sweet scent.

"That's great, baby. Really. You seem to be doing a little better these past few days. I really hope Dr…."

"Corra."

"Dr. Corra can help get you better."

Amanda pushed Olivia down onto the mattress, kissing her with intent. She loved it when she talked to Olivia, it made her feel _heard_ and cared for and important. She wanted Olivia to know just how grateful she was.

Olivia gripped Amanda's waist and hummed, letting the younger woman take control. Whatever Amanda wanted or needed, she'd give her.

Their tongues twisted and hands caressed until the need for air took over. They pulled away, only enough to breath, and Amanda smiled, lips brushing Olivia's ever so slightly.

"Hmmmm." Olivia moaned, "Kissing you seems to get better and better."

"I've never felt anything like it. Like you. You have no idea how grateful I am to have you and Noah. To be able to do this with you and not feel pressured or scared or overwhelmed."

Olivia stared up at Amanda, dark eyes almost penetrating her soul. "I'm grateful that you let me be with you."

Amanda breathed in deep, "That night at my apartment.. you said you take care of the people you love. Do you really.. do you love me?" She felt silly asking, but real love, the kind that you only read about, was something she desperately wanted to have with Olivia.

"Yes. I do. And I _love_ loving you."

Amanda's breath hitched and she buried her face in Olivia's chest. " _Iloveyoutoo."_ Was her garbled response.

"What's that, my love?"

She pulled her face away and smiled shyly. "I love you too."

 **Okay, I know I'm sappy, but I'm in desperate need of something light and sweet right now. If you like it,** _ **let me know.**_ **Hell, even if you don't, still let me know. I survive off those reviews. :)**

 **More soon!**

 **Anna**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

 _Her breath came out in short bursts, wavering with every exhale, bated and shaky. She wasn't sure where she was or who was doing this to her body, but she couldn't stop herself from reacting to it. Not in the way she'd react to Carter, no this was different. It felt good, wanted, desired. She looked down to see the pair of lips making wet, soft trails down her abdomen, and she gasped. Olivia's dark eyes were looking up at her, hot, intense, needy. The brunette's long sleep shirt had ridden up exposing long, dark legs, and Amanda could tell the older woman wasn't wearing a bra either. What the hell was happening?_

 _She closed her eyes, knowing any minute, the older woman would be replaced by her step-father. When she opened them again though, it wasn't Carter, it was still Olivia. She sat up on her knees, reached down to the hem of her sleep shirt, and slipped it over her head, and seconds later, she was completely naked._

 _Amanda gaped at the nude body in front of her, miles of soft, caramel colored skin. Dark, pert nipples distended from arousal. Olivia was breathtaking._

" _Touch me, Amanda."_

 _The younger woman was shocked at the tone of Olivia's voice._

" _Amanda…" She watched the older woman's lips move as they spoke her name. "Amanda."_

"Amanda." She heard Olivia's voice once again, this time, no trace of arousal. Sleep and concern was there instead.

"Manda, honey. Wake up."

Her eyes slipped open, pupils adjusting to the darkness of Olivia's bedroom. What had just happened? "Liv, what's wrong?"

Olivia sat up on her elbows, looking over at the blonde in her bed, "You tell me, you were breathing hard and moaning. Was it another nightmare?" She scooted closer to the younger woman, brushing tangled blonde hair away from her blue eyes.

Amanda blushed, thankful that Olivia couldn't see the pink tint in the dark. "Uh.. y-yea.. Well, no.. it's alright.."

Olivia shook her head and pulled the younger woman into her arms, immediately, Amanda wrapped her own arms around Olivia's waist. "It's not nothing if it's got you this bothered." Olivia murmured, sleep still in her voice.

Amanda let out a shaky breath, the reality of what she _really did_ dream about slamming into her brain. She'd had her first sex dream, and it was about Olivia. She didn't know how to feel, what to say. "Uh.. It wasn't a nightmare."

Olivia lifted her head and looked into Amanda's eyes, the moonlight making the blue seem clearer. The younger woman could see the realization on Olivia's face immediately. "Oh. _Ohhh."_ Embarrassed, she turned her body into the other woman's, burying her face into Olivia's neck.

"Don't," She mutters, feeling Olivia's body shaking, most likely with laughter. "Are you _laughing_ at me?"

"No! Well, your reaction.. But not for the reason that you think. I'm… I'm quite flattered actually." Amanda groaned at the words, attempting to move out of Olivia's embrace. The grip around her waist and tightened, and she felt Olivia's lips trail lightly against her neck. "You aren't going anywhere." Her voice was husky, arousal and humor mixing together to make a wonderful sound.

"I have to pee."

"No you don't."

Amanda looked at Olivia bewilderedly, "Wha- yes I do."

Olivia laughs again, but doesn't let up, instead adds light tongue movement to the neck kisses, and it stuns Amanda in place. She stopped trying to get away then, relaxing into the feeling of her girlfriend lavishing attention on her.

Girlfriend?

"Are you my girlfriend?"

Olivia pulls away, "huh?"

"Are we.. are we _girlfriends?"_

Olivia arched a brow and smirked, "Seems kind of.. high school.. don't you think?" Amanda shrugged, and Olivia continued. "Do you want me to be?"

"Well I don't roll around in bed with a _friend."_

"I don't either."

"So that makes us girlfriends."

"Okay."

Amanda pulled Olivia's face down to hers in a fierce kiss, pushing her tongue in immediately. She'd never get tired of kissing Olivia.

She'd gotten comfortable and used to the makeout sessions, they didn't trigger her, didn't remind her of her step-father, and she was grateful. She needed something like this to make her feel human.

"What was the dream about?" Olivia breathed, pulling Amanda on top of her. Things were getting heated.

Amanda's breath hitched, "You."

Olivia hummed, pulling back, relaxing into the bed and stared up the blonde. "Are you okay?"

Amanda rested her chin on Olivia's chest, their eyes locked. "Just.. everything's new to me. These feelings, physically and emotionally and mentally.. It's all new. It's scary sometimes."

"Oh, honey.." Olivia mutters, cupping her cheeks. "I don't ever want you to be scared. Not of me or _being_ with me. I know I can get a little carried away with you, but don't be afraid of stopping me. I won't be hurt."

Amanda smiled and looked to the side, sliding off of Olivia's body, "I wish I didn't _have_ to stop you. I hate.. I hate that I can't just be with you."

"It's all part of the healing process, baby. No pressure from me, just support." She paused, concern clouding her face, "Did you.. have a flashback? I didn't trigger you, did I?"

"No! God no."

"If I do you need to tell me. Don't shut me out."

"I will tell you."

"Good."

…

It was wednesday evening, Amanda had gone home after Olivia left for work and Lucy came over, and she'd been alone all day. She and the other woman had exchanged texts here and there, but otherwise hadn't talked much. She tried to keep the awkwardness after that morning at bay, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't embarrassed about the way they'd woken up. A sex dream wasn't something she'd ever experienced, nor anticipated. After everything with Carter, she didn't think she'd ever be able to be sexually aroused for anyone. Olivia was a drastic change in her life, and although it was welcomed, it was still scary as hell too. She knew in her heart that Olivia would never hurt her, physically or mentally, but her head was a different story. Her head constantly told her that Olivia would hurt her just like everyone else has.

She walked into her kitchen, shaking the bad thoughts from her head, in search of something to drink. She opened the refrigerator, seeing nothing that would distract her, and cursed. She'd dumped everything that night Olivia came over and hadn't bought anything else after. She desperately wanted something to take her mind off of Carter, even off of Olivia, just for a little bit.

She padded into the living room and plopped down on her couch, deciding that maybe she should just watch something. She flipped through the channels until she found a crime show marathon, and settled with that.

She didn't realize how tired she was until she was here, completely relaxed on her couch, and found her eyes slipping closed. A nap would be a good distraction too. She settled back into her cushions, burrowing her body into the plush fabric, and let her eyes slip closed. Moments later, she was fully asleep, completely exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster that was her life.

She jolted awake hours later, body shaking, head throbbing, breath coming out in jagged, uneven puffs. A nightmare. Carter had gotten to Olivia and Noah, he violated the other woman just like he did to her, and she'd found her hands tied back, forced to watch as her stepfather did to Olivia, everything he'd done to her. It was torture, she'd screamed and cried and begged, but he ignored her.

She sat up, not trying to will the tears back. She let them flow freely, sobs wrenching from her throat. She needed the nightmare and memories and dark thoughts out of her head. She couldn't take it anymore. It was overwhelmingly suffocating. She stumbled into her bathroom, slipped her clothes off, turned the water as hot as she could physically take it, and curled up into a ball on the floor. She'd come to the realization as she sat there, naked and sobbing, that she could possibly never get him out of her head. It was impossible to ever forget something like that.

Ignoring the scalding feeling of the hot water on her skin, she tilted her head back out of the spray, letting the water make a stinging path down her neck and chest. She was sure there'd be tender, burned skin afterwards, but she didn't care. The pain of the heat was cleansing her body and mind of the evil man who'd taken advantage of her.

…

She was perched on the end of her bed, clad in only a tank top and shorts. Olivia was on her way over, still unaware of the drastic change in tone when she'd talked to the younger woman over the phone. She'd asked if she could come over after work, she'd gotten out a few hours early and she'd wanted to stop by.

Amanda sat there and looked at herself in the mirror across from her bed. Her skin was red, raw from the scalding water. She was still feeling the pain from the water, and it felt so much better than the pain in her heart and head. She knew Olivia'd be able to tell immediately, but she didn't care. Nothing concerned her more than getting the sick fuck out of her head and dreams and memories.

She listened as the front door opened and closed, the calling of Olivia's voice as the older woman made her way down the corridor, and the slight knock on her bedroom door. She remained completely silent.

"Hey," Olivia murmured, a small smile on her lips. When she saw the state of her girlfriend, the smile faded. "Amanda? What happened?"

Her eyes raked up the smooth, red flesh on the younger woman's neck, chest, arms and legs. She looked like she'd spent hours in the sun without sunscreen. "Oh my god.. Baby what happened to you?" She gasped, rushing into the conjoined bathroom, coming back with what looked like aloe vera.

"The shower was too hot."

"Then you should have changed the temperature, Amanda.. These look like second degree burns!" She didn't mean to snap, but there was something completely wrong.

"It didn't hurt after a few minutes. Calm down, Olivia." The younger woman explained dully, not looking the taller woman in the eye.

Olivia ignored her and immediately knelt down in front of her, squirted a dollop of the green jelly in her hand, rubbing them together and carefully applying them to the burned flesh. "Can you tell me why you did this?" She asked when Amanda winced.

"I fell asleep on the couch and had a nightmare about Carter. I needed to feel something other than him. I needed to wake myself up." She murmured, watching as Olivia applied the cool substance to her thighs and calves. It stung but she liked having Olivia's hands on her. The feel of the older woman and the feel of Carter were two completely different feelings, and she craved that drastic change. Craved the softness and caring pressure of Olivia's fingers.

"Amanda, baby, please don't do this again.. It's not healthy. Call me next time, please?" She looked up into the younger woman's eyes, dark chocolate gaze intense with compassion and worry. "Promise me?"

"I promise."

"What was the dream about?"

Amanda shook her head and looked away. "You don't want to know."

"Please talk to me. Was it a memory?"

"Yes, I remember that happening to me. But this time it wasn't me. I can't talk about it right now, Liv. Just.. Can we please lay down for a little bit? I just want to be in your arms right now."

Olivia stood up, removing her shoes, belt, and blazer and climbed onto the bed, "Of course."

They got under the covers, Olivia was careful not to hurt Amanda's burns, and they cuddled close, breathing each other in. The day had been a long one for Amanda, emotionally tolling, and she was happy to be back in Olivia's arms. This was the only place she really felt safe.

 **I suck at writing now apparently. I'm trying to make it angsty and I'm no good at angst. My inner smut/fluff lover is coming out and it's getting harder to keep this angsty and dramatic. Don't stop reviewing, or I'll stop writing, survive off of your guys' words. Really. I don't even care that I keep asking for reviews, I love them. Keep em coming.**

 **Anna**


	15. Chapter 15

**To the last reviewer who said it skipped a little, I was afraid of that. I'm not gonna lie, I was so so down this past week, but I'm gonna try and make it more details and less time gaps, because I know I do that a lot. Thank you for letting me know! And about the teasing, I didn't want to make Olivia TOO harsh, seeing as it was Amanda's first sex dream. I will definitely add more banter into the story as their relationship progresses and they get more comfortable!**

 **Anna**

 **Chapter 15**

Amanda woke up early the next morning, a dull pain covering her body. She knew it was a dumb idea to shower with water that hot, but she needed something to null the pain in her heart. The bad dream about Olivia was worse than any other she'd had, even some of the memories. She didn't know why she had had a mood swing like that, she admit that she felt a little embarrassed. A lot embarrassed. Her mind was too active when sleeping, whether it's a sex dream about her girlfriend or a nightmare, it was all too much.

She turned her head and looked at the sleeping woman beside her. Sometimes she felt like she was putting her through too much. The late night calls, the almost constant worry, the self destruction when things got scary.. She knew it was weighing Olivia down too.

She thought about the stress that came with being a significant other to Olivia, she knew the other woman had _needs_ , and she wanted more than anything to satisfy them for her. She'd never been with a woman before in her life, but somehow she knew that she'd be able to bring the brunette to new heights, just as she knew that Olivia could do the same for her. She hated that Olivia had to wait for her, she felt guilty for denying her, a sexual being, the pleasure that she knew the woman wanted.

Sex, up until a few months ago, was the farthest thing from her mind. As a grown, working woman of the law, sex was naturally put at the back of her mind. It was there since the first time her step-dad abused her, and it had collected dust in the small space at the very back of her brain. Now, with the constant desire for Olivia, that thought, the yearn for pleasure was being dusted off and polished and set in the glass box at the forefront of her mind.

She turned on her side and rested her head on her hand, propped up by her elbow. She watched as Olivia took deep, even breaths as she slept soundly on her back.

She cherished the moments when she could just _look_ at her girlfriend. Without being questioned or looked at funny or rewarded with an eye roll. Olivia was undeniably, unbelievably, breathtakingly gorgeous. More so in the past few weeks the younger woman had gotten to see her in her natural state, had kissed and touched and held her. The woman was utterly perfect in every way, and it baffled the blonde that she had someone like Olivia on her side.

She'd been too lost in her thoughts to notice that Olivia had woken up and was smiling shyly under her intense gaze.

"Do I have something on my face?" She asked coyly, drawing the younger woman's attention back to present time.

"No, no I just. I like looking at you."

"I like looking at you too." Olivia smiled, sitting up against the headboard and kicking the covers off of her short clad legs. She patted her lap, and immediately Amanda maneuvered to where her head was resting soundly in the older woman's lap.

The younger woman's eyes widened slightly, "Noah?"

"I called Lucy before I fell asleep and told her it was an overnight emergency. No worries. I gotta be home in an hour or two though, she's probably got things to do."

"I'm sorry I kept you."

"Don't apologize. How d'you feel? Still burnt?"

Amanda's eyes slipped closed as Olivia brushed her fingers through it and nodded slightly. "Only a little. The aloe helped."

Olivia smiled softly down at the younger woman and then frowned a bit. "You scared me, Manda. I don't ever want you hurting yourself like that again."

Amanda looked away, but complied softly. "Okay."

"Hey, _lookit_ _me._ I love you, okay? I know you are hurting, and it kills me to see you like this.. Please talk to me next time you panic or get scared or anything, okay?"

Amanda sat up immediately, straddling Olivia's hips and wrapping her arms around the older woman's neck. "I love you too, Liv. So much. I promise I will talk to you."

She felt the taller woman's hands rub her back up and down, and she sighed, reveling in the feeling of her lover's warm embrace.

…

Thursday evening brought her next session with Dr. Corra, and the blonde was actually _kind of_ looking forward to seeing the woman. Something about her said comfort and security. She knew that Vivenne Corra was a trustworthy woman.

Olivia had gone home around 8:30 AM and the younger woman had spent the day cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. It kept her brain occupied and a clean apartment always made her feel better.

When it came time to get ready for the appointment, she showered, ate a small dinner, texted Olivia, asking if she could come over after the appointment, and set off. She liked walking, and Dr. Corra's office was significantly closer to her apartment, walking distance, than Dr. Lindstrom's was.

She received a reply from Olivia right before she walked into the building, saying that she was welcome to come over. After reading that, she switched off her phone, and made her way into the remodeled brownstone.

Dr. Corra was delighted to see the younger woman. "Amanda! Good to see you again. Let's go back to my office, shall we?"

They made their way into the spacious office and sat down in their usual spots.

Amanda was quiet, looking down at her hands. She was about to speak, but Dr. Corra beat her to the punch, "Amanda, what happened to your chest and arms? Did you get a sunburn?"

Amanda swallowed thickly and shook her head, "No. Um, shower was too.. it was too hot."

That brought a concerned look onto the doctor's face. "Did you do it on purpose?"

Amanda looked away, and Dr. Corra continued, "No judgment here, I promise. I just want to know why you felt like you had to physically harm yourself. That's all."

"I-I had a nightmare. It made my skin crawl and I panicked and that was the first thing that came to mind to help me forget."

Dr. Corra slipped her glasses onto her head and nodded. "Do you have nightmares regularly?"

"Mhm. Except, not for a few days before this one. The dream I had wednesday morning was.. it was a really good one. _Really_ good. I don't know why my brain suddenly flipped." Amanda shook her head and picked at her thumb nail.

"I understand. Do you feel comfortable enough telling me what the nightmare was about?" The older woman had no judgment in her eyes, only concern and curiosity.

"It was stuff Carter- My step-dad- would do to me. I remember in every detail the things he did, it was like a memory. Except this time, it wasn't me strapped to the bed. It was Olivia."

The raven haired woman nodded, "And where were you? Were you present?"

"I was watching. Tied to a chair."

She let out a soft sight. It felt good to tell the psychologist about her dream, like a weight off her chest. A horrible darkness out of her memory.

"Why do you think you had that dream?"

"I don't know. I hate myself and my brain for thinking something like that up."

"You can't control your subconscious thoughts, it's like trying to stop yourself from sneezing. It's your brain's job to think of things. Good and bad."

Amanda nodded.

"Wanna tell me about the good dream you had?"

Amanda's face reddened in embarrassment. "Uh.."

"Oh come on, let's lighten the mood a little. What happened in the dream?" The doctor was sitting on the edge of her seat, smiling curiously.

"Olivia and I were uh.. _you know."_

Dr. Corra's eyes widened, "That certainly is a good dream."

"It was my first one."

"Dream of Olivia?"

Amanda shook her head, "Dream with those _acts._ With Olivia."

"Ah. Well, That is a good sign. Usually, patients and survivors with PTSD don't usually get sexual urges and thoughts. This means you're on the right track to healing." It was good news for Amanda, and before she could stop herself, she blurted the question out.

"Do you think it's possible for Olivia and I to have sex? I find it harder and harder to resist her and not want to be with her.. _that way."_

The doctor pondered thoughtfully, "I don't believe there would be a problem, but like I said, you still have PTSD and anything could trigger you. If you do decide to take that step with your partner, then be cautious and take small steps."

Cautious and small steps. Exactly what's been happening for the past two and a half months. She knew Olivia must be feeling pent up, she would be lying if she said her own release was starting to become an everyday want. She could only imagine how Olivia felt.

Just then, she made a decision in her head. Although nervous, she knew it'd be a good choice. A good way to test boundaries without pushing limits.

 **A little cliffhanger here! I know the chapter was short, but mainly, it was a filler. Some real fun may or may not happen in the next chapter. We'll see. Again, please review and let me know your thoughts on this chapter! If I can get past 105 reviews, I might throw in a little surprise ;)**

 **Anna**


	16. Chapter 16

**This is where the M rated stuff comes in** … **Heed warning. If certain parts of intimacy isn't your cup of tea, then feel free to skip this chapter. It's going to be a short-ish one. I won't be offended. Otherwise, enjoy!**

 **Chapter 16**

Nervous; very, very nervous.

Some things in life came naturally to Amanda. Singing, that was easy for her. She considered herself decent and wasn't shy when it came to karaoke at bars. Interrogation was a piece of cake. So was avoiding topics and not talking about things. What she struggled with, though, was intimacy. Whether it was a hug with a friend or a deep kiss with Olivia, she struggled. He'd taken that pleasure away from her years and years ago. Yes, she was gaining her strength and confidence back; she was becoming more demanding when it came to kissing Olivia, but she still had issues with relinquishing power and control. When Olivia would slide her hands sensually along her sides or back, she pulled away. Not because she didn't like the feeling of the beautiful woman's hands on her, but because she couldn't stand the reminder that the only time someone had touched her like that was forceful and unwanted. Try as she might, it was hard to separate Olivia's hands from his sometimes.

So, as she made her way to Olivia's apartment, walking at a brisk enough pace to make her breathing labored, she locked her eyes ahead of her. While to talking to Dr. Corra, she'd made a decision that she wasn't going to back out of.

Yes, she couldn't stand to be touched right now. Not intimately. Maybe soon, but not right now. That didn't mean she wasn't capable of touching. 

…

Olivia swung the door open on the second knock, that smile the younger loved painted on her face. "How was-"

She cut the older woman off with a searing kiss, cupping her quickly flushing cheeks in her palms and pushing her inside the warm apartment. Amanda was tired of talking. That was all they ever did; that was all she ever did. She couldn't heal if she didn't test her boundaries and see how much healing she really needed. She was tired of the coping talk, the feel better talk, the sex talk. She couldn't very well heal and move on and cope if all she was doing about it was talking.

Olivia was surprised but she responded eagerly, kicking the door shut with her work boot clad foot, her arms otherwise occupied. They wound around the lithe waist of the younger woman as they moved toward the couch. Thoughts of Noah flitted through the blonde's mind but they went away when a small sound ripped from Olivia's throat. She was overcome with so many emotions but fear was not one of them this time.

"Where's Noah?" she panted, pushing Olivia down onto the couch. She knelt down in between Olivia's parted legs and ran her hands up and down slack covered thighs.

Shocked and aroused, Olivia replied huskily, "Lucy took him out for the evening."

Amanda nodded and stood up on her knees, hips separating the older woman's legs even more. "I want to try something tonight, Liv." She could see the wary look in her lover's eyes but continued on. "I...I can't be touched...like that. Not yet. I am not ready for that much. But I can't help but want to touch you. Taste you. I dream about it, I think about it, and I want it. So, so bad. Only if you want to." She couldn't look the older woman in the eye as she spoke, fearful that Olivia would reject her.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Olivia whispered, leaning forward to cup the younger woman's cheeks. "I am more than okay with waiting until we can really be together. I can wait."

"No, Liv, I don't want you to wait. Hell, _I_ don't want to wait either, but I can't...be on the receiving end yet. That doesn't mean I don't want to give you what I know you want. I love you. I want to."

Olivia stared deeply into the blonde's eyes, a trepidatious look in her eye, but she slowly leaned back, shucking off her blazer in the process. "What do you want to do?"

Amanda let out a shaky sigh, the tone of Olivia's voice sending a flood of arousal through her body. "I want to pleasure you. You-you can touch my head and my hands but this can only be about you. Okay?" She was swallowing thickly every few seconds. She'd never been with a woman before and she didn't really know how to go about it, so she just let her gut do the talking.

"Okay, I'm okay with that."

Amanda slid onto the couch next to the brunette, shaky hands brushing the top buttons of her blouse. She leaned in and pressed her lips against Olivia's, simultaneously popping each button slowly. Smooth tan skin came into view, and Amanda's mouth watered. This was really happening.

"How long till they get back?" she murmured, brushing her lips across the older woman's jawline.

"Couple'a hours," Olivia replied thickly, her voice laden with arousal. "Three at the most."

"Okay."

Within seconds, Olivia's top was on the floor and her slacks were unbuttoned and unzipped. "We can always stop if you-" The older woman was cut off when Amanda's lips latched onto her pert nipple. The younger woman sucked through the lacy material of Olivia's bra, and she moaned softly. She moved back to the floor between Olivia's legs, her hands ghosting up the sides of Olivia's bare waist.

Amanda was in overdrive. The feelings that rushed through her were heady and strong. She couldn't believe she was doing this, but the more she kissed Olivia's body, the more she wanted it, craved it. She lavished the same attention onto the other nipple, this time nibbling through the material and causing Olivia's back to arch. The younger woman pulled the brunette's slacks down her long legs, helping her out of her boots, socks and pants.

She sat back on her heels and took a moment to really look at the woman in front of her. She shook her head. "I've never known how to really thank you for taking such good care of me. I know that this isn't enough to convey my appreciation, but I'm only just starting. The more time I spend with you, the deeper in love I am with you. And Noah, but right now, mostly you." She smirked a little, and Olivia let out a nervous laugh. Humor was appreciated in a time like this.

Olivia wiped a stray tear from her eyes and then stood, knees visibly shaking. "C'mere, baby," she whispered, picking up their discarded clothes and pulling the shorter woman into her bedroom. "I love you too," she tossed the clothes onto a chair in the corner of her room as Amanda shed her own shoes, jacket and jeans, but kept the long sleeve shirt on, needing some sort of barrier.

Olivia moved to rest her elbows on the pillows at the head of the bed, and she watched as Amanda slowly crawled toward her. The younger woman smiled nervously, coming to a stop between Olivia's spread legs. "You can tell me to stop too, you know. I know what you've been through..."

Olivia sat up a bit, unhooked her bra and tossed it to the side. "I trust you." She bit her lip.

Amanda's mouth dropped open slightly at the sight of the older woman's full breasts, cinnamon colored nipple taut with arousal. This was another new thing for her, being able to touch and lavish attention onto another woman's breasts, and it sent another bout of wetness to the juncture between her thighs.

She leaned forward, eyes locked onto Olivia's, and she wrapped her lips around the dark flesh. She watched as Olivia's eyelids fluttered closed, as her head dropped back. She felt the sheets underneath her pull, and she realized that the older woman was bunching them in her hands.

She paid close attention to the sounds coming from above while she switched breasts. Her hands caressed the soft, supple skin of the brunette's thighs. She dipped her fingers into the sides of her panties and dragged them down her legs, throwing them to the side with her lover's bra.

Olivia's body was sensitive. She could tell by the way the other woman twitched and moaned and bucked when she touched or kissed a particular spot.

She had soft skin too, curves and valleys and dips, miles and miles of smooth, tan flesh that made the blonde completely aware of who she was with. Olivia's arousal was sweet, her skin smelling of vanilla. Nothing like the sweaty scent of a man.

She kissed her way down Olivia's body, feeling the way the muscles under her lips tensed and shuddered. She was on a full exploration of the other woman's body, and she wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon.

"Amanda," she heard Olivia whimper. She smiled when she felt fingers entwine in her hair. She could tell Olivia was holding back. "Please don't stop..." It wasn't really begging but it was close enough, and her goal wasn't to make Olivia mewl and beg. She moved lower, complying to the older woman's words. The heady smell of Olivia's wetness was intoxicating. Purely on instinct, the other woman darted her tongue out, pushing through wet lower lips.

Olivia's back shot up off the bed for a second, and she tugged a bit at the hair between her fingers. " _Ohgod_ , _ohgod_ , _ohgod._ " she moaned.  
She'd be lying if she said the older woman didn't taste absolutely exquisite.

"Oh, yes, baby..." the taller woman muttered, almost too quiet for Amanda to hear. The blonde rewarded her lover with a light suck on the sensitized bundle of nerves in front of her, and she was not disappointed when she heard another breathy moan make its way out of Olivia's mouth.

It didn't take long before she felt the body beneath her tense, the fingers in her hair tightening. Olivia was seconds away from coming, and she had never wanted anything more in her life than to see the beautiful woman climax.

She heard a series of short breaths, occasionally punctuated with high pitched whimpers. She tipped the older woman over the edge when she pressed two fingers into velvety depths.

She sat up, wanting to watch the unraveling of the older woman, her fingers keeping their movements inside of Olivia's sex. The brunette's eyes were closed, mouth in an O shape, head tilted to the side. It was a sight that Amanda would never want to lose. One that she wanted to see over and over. Somehow, her confidence was boosted, her fear subsided, and she felt like the luckiest person in the world.

Everything was forgotten except for this moment with Olivia.

It took several minutes for them both to calm down enough to look at each other, and when they did, Olivia bit her lip and smiled, satisfied. "That was... _something_."

Amanda blushed, smiling back at her lover. "I enjoyed that. I didn't think I could do it, but I did. I'm so glad I did."

"Oh, me too." Olivia paused, a small blush creeping across her cheeks. "I've never climaxed that hard just from someone...performing oral. That was amazing."

The younger woman could hear the cautiousness in Olivia's voice and she smiled a bit. Even after an orgasm, she never stopped worrying. "It was unreal."

"How do you feel?" Olivia asked, pulling Amanda into her side, legs entwining.

"Like I can breathe. You let me love you in a way I've never been able to love someone." Amanda gazed deeply into the older woman's eyes. "You're incredible."

Olivia was about to speak, but stopped when they heard a noise. The moment was put on pause as they heard Lucy and Noah enter the apartment, the young boy calling out for his mother.

"We can talk more tonight, Liv. You get dressed and go out there, I'm gonna use the restroom."

Olivia nodded and they kissed softly, trying to convey the love they shared for each other in the few short seconds they had. When they parted and Amanda stepped into the restroom, she let out a shaky sigh. She couldn't believe she'd just made love to Olivia. Unreal was the perfect word to describe what the moment felt like. It was over too quickly after Noah got home, and it felt like it hadn't really happened. But when she looked in the mirror, she saw that her hair was mussed from Olivia's tugging fingers, one of the only indications that they'd jumped another hurdle in their ever-growing relationship.

She smiled slightly, the only thought in her head as she slipped on a pair of Olivia's yoga pants, was that she couldn't wait to do it again.

…

When she came out of the room, it was just Noah and Olivia sitting on the couch, having what seemed to be an in-depth conversation.

"I see BIRDS! An-and gooses! Lucy telled me not to touch dem. Dey _bite."_ He told his mother seriously, as if reprimanding her.

"Okay baby, I won't touch the _gooses."_ Olivia chuckled, hugging her son close. She looked over her shoulder when she heard Amanda come out of the bedroom. "Come sit with us, Manda." There was a look in her girlfriend's eye that send a shiver down her spine.

"AMAN'NA! You here?!" Noah boasted, jumping out of his mother's embrace and bounding towards the blonde woman.

"I just couldn't wait to see you again, tiger!" He jumped, knowing she'd catch him, and when she did, she hugged him close.

"I not little cub?"

"You're getting pretty big." She pretended to observe his tiny body, as she walked him back over to the couch. She sat next to Olivia, closer than usual, the little boy partially on her lap and partially on Olivia's. "I think you've graduated from little cub to Tiger now.. What do you think, mommy?" Amanda looked over and smiled when Olivia tapped her chin, as if pondering the little boy's new status.

"I think that sounds about right."

The little boy watched the two women in amazement. "I gadger-ated?"

"Yep, that means you aren't a little cub anymore. That's a good thing!"

The look on his face was smug, and Amanda could have sworn it was exactly like Olivia's little smirk. If one didn't know that he was adopted, they'd think he came straight from Olivia. They were basically twins.

They all sat in the living room and chatted for what seemed like hours, but when the young boy's eyes started getting droopy, they knew it was time to call it a night. Amanda stayed in the living room while Olivia put him to bed, nervous about how they would act around each other now that they were closer intimately.

Her worries were put to ease when Olivia came padding out of the hallway, content smile on her face. Amanda didn't even notice that the older woman's casual cotton button-up was buttoned wrong, most likely from the haste of trying to go out and see her son.

"Your shirt's misbuttoned." Amanda said softly, smiling.

Olivia shrugged and sat next to the younger woman, wasting no time and pressing their lips together. She didn't pull away after a few moments like she usually did though, instead, she delved her tongue into Amanda's compliant mouth, and they kissed deeply until air was needed. Olivia hummed when she pulled away, fingertips pressing into the soft skin of the younger woman's cheek. "I can taste myself on you." She mumbled, sending shivers through Amanda's body.

She was liking this sexier side of the brunette, and the more she saw it, the more she craved it.

 **This is not the end! I hope I did okay with the smut! It** _ **might**_ **be happening a bit more, especially since Amanda hadn't experienced Olivia yet, so stay tuned! More therapist and more Noah/Rolivia moments!**

 **Anna**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

The week had quickly changed into the weekend, and Amanda was pleased to find out that Olivia was taking saturday and sunday off once more. She'd said that perks of being the boss meant she didn't have to be around all the time, and had more free reign over her hours.

It was friday afternoon, and both women were sitting comfortably on Olivia's couch, Noah perched in his bean bag chair next to the coffee table and coloring on some copy paper Olivia had given him. Olivia'd gotten back only a few hours before and hadn't even changed out of her work clothes. She'd removed her belt, badge, gun, blazer and shoes.

Their conversations varied from Noah, to sessions, to what they were planning for dinner that night, and it all seemed so domestic. Amanda was falling in love with the new lifestyle, and she was becoming more and more comfortable in this new, intimate setting.

Suddenly, something crossed her mind and she looked over at Olivia, a smile spreading across her face. Olivia quirked an eyebrow, leaning back to look at the younger woman. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"I just remembered.. I get my 10 month chip tomorrow. A full ten months since the last time I gambled. I can't believe I forgot." Her lips were quirked in a shy smile as she shook her head in disbelief.

Olivia pulled the younger woman close, hugging her tightly. "I'm so proud of you, honey." She murmured. When she pulled away, she smiled back, just as shyly. "I'm sure with everything that's been happening and how occupied you've been, it was easy for you to just forget about gambling."

"I know, but I mean… Who just forgets about an addiction? That's never happened before. And.. Ten months is the longest I've gone since I started all those years ago."

Olivia's eyes widen, her smiled broadening. "Well this calls for celebration then! Noah, baby, come here."

Immediately, the little boy jumped up from his chair and crawled onto his mother's lap. "What do you think we should do for Amanda? She has done something very special and I think we should reward her."

Noah's eyes widened, and he looked over at the blonde. "You do somfin pesh-ul? When I do somfin pesh-ul, mommy give me ice-keem."

Amanda kept a giggle at bay, noticing the serious tone in the young boy's voice. "Yea? That's pretty cool. Do you think we should go get some ice cream?"

He nodded, then glanced at his mother for approval, who smiled. "We get ice-keem, mommy?"

"I think that's a wonderful idea. Let's treat our Manda to some ice cream."

…

After buying their treat, the trio started their walk back to Olivia's place. They were lucky that an ice-cream parlor was only a few blocks, and even luckier that it was a nice day. The younger woman was beginning to enjoy her days, thanks to Olivia, she was living her life, not hiding in the shadow of Carter.

She licked a drop of ice cream that had started it's descent down the cone, and hummed at the flavor. Birthday Cake had to be her favorite. Noah had seen the bright blue color of the ice-cream, and begged his mother for the same one.

"Your tongue is blue," Olivia commented, a laugh poised on her lips, but before it could get out, her eyes widened and she looked down at her son, who was messily eating the cold treat. "Oh, _Noah._ This one is so messy."

Her son looked up at her cluelessly, cheeks and lips covered in a sticky blue mess. "It good, mommy!"

"It's blue, Liv. What'd you expect?" The younger woman laughed, taking a long lick of her diminishing ice-cream, rather suggestively.

Olivia arched an eyebrow, a tiny smirk on her lips. She took a sip of her smoothie, and glanced towards her son shyly. She pulled out a few napkins from her pocket, glad she'd thought of taking some from the shop. "Can you hold this real quick?" She asked Amanda, then knelt down and began wiping her son's hands and mouth. "Next time we get this in a cup. It's too messy, sweet boy."

He nodded uninterestedly, taking another large bite off of his soggy cone.

Amanda smiled softly, taking a sip of Olivia's smoothie. She thought about how she'd gotten to this point with the older woman. Right here, right now. Two months ago, she was drunk, sobbing, and out of a job. Now, she's sober, healing, and _still_ out of a job. But she understood why Olivia did what she did.

She missed working every day, missed solving cases and being around the guys, but she understood now that she needed to throw herself into self healing, and not her work. She vowed that she'd never get careless and reckless again. She had a reason to be here now; two, really. Olivia and Noah had become her life- not gambling, not drinking, and certainly not Carter.

"Babe?" She heard Olivia prod and she snapped out of her thoughts. She glanced at her lover and smiled. "You gonna keep my smoothie forever?"

"Maybe. It's good." Amanda playfully smiled, taking another sip from the fruity drink.

"I _know._ That's why I _bought it."_ Olivia laughed, snatching it back. "It's getting a little chilly, let's get back and start dinner."

Noah grabbed onto his mother's hand, shoved the remaining bite of his cone into his hand, and then grabbed Amanda's. She'd long since finished her ice-cream; it was something she didn't get often.

"Thank you for the treat, Liv." Amanda spoke softly, hoping to convey her appreciation with more than words.

"My pleasure," the older woman winked.

When they got back to Olivia's apartment, Noah was bouncing off the walls. He'd had too much sugar, but it was something Olivia didn't mind doing for her son once in a while.

"Baby, why don't you go play with your toys okay? No running inside, please." She commanded.

He did as he was told, pulling out his jenga blocks and toy cars.

Olivia pulled Amanda into the kitchen, set her half empty smoothing on the counter, and cupped her cheeks. "I've wanted to do this since you told me about your ten month chip.." she muttered, pressing her lips against the younger woman's mouth.

They kissed hungrily for a few moments before pulling away, breathless and slightly aroused.

"I.. am.. so.. _proudofyou.._ " Olivia spoke between feather light kisses.

 _Proud._

Amanda craved those words, especially from her girlfriend. She worked hard to hear them, and now that she got them, she would never let them go.

"I love you, Olivia."

"I love _you."_ The older woman said back as her fingers caressed Amanda's soft, rosy cheeks.

 **Just a filler! Another session with Dr. Corra in the next chapter, some deep conversations with Olivia, and definitely more fluff. Unfortunately, Amanda won't be back to work until the last chapter of this story, I think that it gets in the way of healing, and I want time for Amanda to ONLY focus on that, her relationship, and bettering herself. Hopefully you all understand! See you next chapter!**

 **Anna**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

She flipped the chip around in her fingers as she sat in Dr. Corra's office late tuesday afternoon. She'd gone to a meeting on saturday night, listened to everyone talk about their addictions, talked about hers and the amount of time she'd been clean, and received her ten month chip. Ever since then, the chip had not left her pocket. Not because she was proud, but she needed a reminder that she'd made it this far, and there was no need to relapse. Because oddly, the need to go into a casino and waste the money she didn't have, was stronger than it had been in months. She didn't know if it was the meeting, or the amount of times she thought about gambling, but it was at the forefront of her mind.

"I see you have a sobriety chip. May I ask how long?" Dr. Corra asked, curious eyes drawing away from the chip to Amanda's blue ones.

Amanda looked at the green chip in her hand and smiled. "Ten months."

"Congrats! How do you feel about that?"

Amanda let out a humorless chuckle, "I felt real good about it on Friday. Olivia, Noah and I celebrated with ice-cream, and it was probably the best feeling in the world. Saturday at the meeting really hit me hard. I don't know why. Ever since I left there, I feel like I should gamble. I don't deserve this chip."

Dr. Corra nodded, seemingly understanding about what the younger woman had just said. "I see. If you've gone this long, why do you have the need to relapse?"

Amanda looked down and shrugged, flipping the coin in between her fingers.

"C'mon, ballpark?"

The younger woman thought for a moment, then looked up. "Sometimes I get a feeling in my gut that this life I'm living now… The one with a beautiful girlfriend and her amazing son.. With a sobriety chip and less flashbacks and nightmares, and- and _happiness_ is something that I don't deserve. I've never had this kind of happiness. I've never done anything to deserve those two and these feelings, yet I have it, and it doesn't feel right."

"You feel like you don't deserve a family? Happiness?"

"It's just foreign to me."

Dr. Corra nodded. "Did you find any happiness during the time you lived with your mother and step-father?"

Amanda nodded, "When I played and hung out with my sister, nights in with her and my mom.. They were so perfect and I was happy.. And then.. Then he'd come home and things would change, and my mother would act different, and he would see that I-I had something to smile about, and I don't know why it made him.. Made him _want_ me, but it did, and any happiness I had before then, was gone the moment he would step into my room and lock the door."

"So let me just go over that. You would have a good time with your family, and he would sense that light and happiness, and he would take it from you."

Amanda wiped a few tears that had slipped down her cheeks and nodded, letting the doctor continue.

"Predators like Carter feed on light. They see something pure and they take it. That feeling of undeserving of happiness isn't really _undeserving._ It's a fear. You're scared of letting yourself be truly happy, because any time you let yourself go, that light and purity and love would be taken from you."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. As the doctor spoke, she listened carefully, and the more she heard, the better she understood. Carter was taking things from her, even after death. He was stopping her from being truly happy with Olivia, from being happy about her 10 months of sobriety, because she was _still_ afraid that he'd swoop in and steal it.

"I never thought of it like that." Amanda said quietly.

Dr. Corra nodded and smiled, "That's what I'm here for. To help make things clear."

"Do you think I deserve the life I have now?"

"I think.. I think you've suffered enough. Put yourself through enough, and it's time to really let yourself let Carter go. That doesn't mean forget what happened to you, that means acknowledge that it happened, let yourself cope, figure out a healthy way to move past it, and be happy."

"You make it sound easy," Amanda laughed, wiping more tears from her eyes.

"It can be, you just have to trust yourself and the people who care about you, and trust that not everyone is like your stepfather. Not everyone is waiting to take your light."

She looked intently at the doctor, wanting to say so many things, but not wanting to speak at all, at the same time. Many thoughts were running through her head; but only one was clear and demanding enough to be seen over the others.

Olivia and Noah. They were her light, and nothing, not a person or an addiction or anything could ever take that from her. She wouldn't let it.

…

When she got to Olivia's, Lucy and Noah were playing on the floor. She hadn't told her girlfriend that she'd go to her place, but she knew the older woman wouldn't mind.

As she walked in, two pairs of eyes turned towards her, curious.

"Aman'na!" Noah squealed, jumping up from his spot next to his toys and bounding towards her. She'd never get over his reaction to seeing her. It made her unbelievably, overwhelmingly, unavoidably happy. She loved this boy just as much as she loved his mother.

She hoisted him up into her arms and peppered his face with kisses, hugging him to her body tightly. Her little light. "Hello sweet Noah! How was daycare?"

"I maked a drawing for you an' mommy!"

Lucy got to her feet as well, retrieving his daycare bag and pulling out a rumpled piece of paper. "It's actually really good. I think he ate his lunch over it though." She laughed, handing it to the blonde.

Amanda looked carefully at it, then to Noah, waiting for him to explain what it was. She walked them over to the couch, sitting down with him in her lap and he begin to tell her- in great detail- what the image was.

"Dis you, an' dis mommy. Dis ice-keem. It from your _pesh-ul_ _cell-brashion."_ He recited, obviously trying hard to remember the words his mother had said on saturday.

It took everything in her not to squeeze the little boy and cry. "This is amazing, kid," She said in amazement. "Wanna look for a frame so we can give it to mommy when she gets home?"

Lucy motioned towards the hall closet. "I think there's a few frames above the extra blankets. Want me to go find one that'll fit the drawing?"

Amanda looked up and nodded, smiling. "Thank you."

They framed it, then they put Noah down for a short nap. Amanda told the young woman that she was free to go and that she'd take care of Noah until Olivia got home in a few hours, and the brunette happily obliged, saying that she had some studying to do.

Amanda kicked off her shoes, removed her jacket and set her ten month chip on the coffee table. She decided that a quick nap while the kid was down was a good idea. She stretched out on the couch, and sleep took over effortlessly.

…..

She was pulled from her dreamless sleep by the feeling of soft lips on her cheeks, then her forehead, then her own lips. Her eyelids fluttered, but didn't quite open, and she felt as the plump lips formed- what felt like- a smile.

"Amanda.." Olivia purred softly, running her fingers through soft blonde hair.

By this time, Amanda was definitely awake, but keeping her eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of Olivia's lips and hearing her smooth voice. She expected the older woman to keep going, but when she felt her begin to pull away, her eyes snapped open and her hands shot out, fingers wrapping around the older woman's curvy waist.

Olivia laughed and let Amanda pull her completely on top of her body, "Hello there."

"Hi." Amanda smiled shyly, looking into dark eyes. "I missed you."

"We spent the whole day on sunday together."

"So…." Amanda trailed off, eyes dipping to the pair of slightly glossed lips that had just been on her skin.

" _So,_ what's your beef, blondie?" Olivia asked sassily, lowering down onto her elbows, pressing their bodies together.

"I _missed_ you." She said again, a bit more suggestively, hands trailing down from the taller woman's waist down to her bottom. She squeezed softly, hoping to make her point clear. The talk with Dr. Corra had shed some much needed light on her darkened thoughts, and her mind had gone from scared and tentative, to confident and sure. She wasn't letting anything stop her anymore. She'd try like hell to let herself be happy. To make _Olivia_ happy.

Olivia's eyes darkened and she bit her lip, humming her appreciation. "You can have me anytime you want, Rollins." She purred, dipping down to place a soft, lingering kiss on her lover's lips. "But I missed you too."

Amanda raked her hands up Olivia's body, taking her blouse with her.

"Skirt, huh?" Amanda smiled, fingers trailing back down to the back of the older woman's thighs, drawing lazy patterns on heated skin.

"Court."

"You don't usually wear skirts to court," Amanda retorted, hooking her fingers under the hem and dragging the tight material up. "Try again."

Olivia pulled Amanda up and laid back, taking the younger woman with her, wanting to be underneath her. "You must be a detective." She joked, voice deep with arousal. "There's this blonde," She breathed, stopping for a moment at the feeling of her shirt being unbuttoned, "she's kinda stolen my heart," She continued, breath picking up as Amanda continued to slowly undress her. "And I wanted to make it easy for her to touch me." She finished, letting out a long moan as Amanda placed wet kisses in between her exposed breasts.

"Lucky lady," The younger woman murmured, licking a trail up between two full mounds. She knew that she wouldn't be completely ready for Olivia to touch her, but she'd be lying if she said she didn't crave the older woman every second of the day.

"Where's my son?" Olivia rasped, voice hoarse and deep.

"Still sleeping."

The older woman raked her fingers through Amanda's soft blonde hair as the other woman unzipped and pulled down her skirt.

"He could wake up any minute." Olivia gasped.

Amanda moved back up to kiss Olivia deeply, tongue delving in to taste her lover for the first time in two days. She trailed her hand down, slipping beneath lace panties, feeling the effects of their foreplay on the tips of her fingers.

"Then you'd better come fast." She whispered, pushing two fingers into Olivia's heat, causing the older woman to whimper and arch her neck. She watched as the taller woman's eye closed and mouth dropped open, fingers gripping her hair and the edge of the cushion.

With her free hand, she pulled one of Olivia's bra cups down, exposing a hardened nipple, and immediately, she took it into her mouth.

She felt Olivia's body grind against ther fingers as the moved rhythmically in and out of her, occasionally removing them completely to rub softly around her sensitized clit.

" _OhmyGod,"_ Olivia exhaled, hips shooting up.

Amanda smiled, loving the effect she had on the brunette. "Hurry up, Liv. Noah could walk in any minute now." She teased, slowing her fingers down.

" _Fuck._ Then go _harder._ " Olivia growled, fingers tugging the hair at the back of Amanda's head lightly. She knew Olivia wasn't intentionally pulling her hair, but something about the slight aggression coming from the sweet, compassionate, soft older woman turned Amanda on immensely.

She sped up then, giving her lover what she wanted. It only took a few rapid, deep thrusts before Olivia was burying her face into the side of the couch, loud whimpers and moans muffled from the soft material.

Amanda sat up, keeping her fingers where they were, deep inside of her, and she took in the sight below her. Olivia, coming undone, leg spread, and breast exposed. Another one for her memory.

When she knew that the older woman was calm, she extracted her fingers, the air around them cooling the hot moisture coating them.

The look in Olivia's eyes was frenzied, satiated, aroused, and she watched in amazement as the older woman sat up slightly, hand holding her up against the armrest, and grabbed Amanda's wet fingers. She pulled them into her mouth as she gazed deeply into the blonde's blue eyes. Dark brown eyes fluttered momentarily, but never broke contact.

It was nothing like the blonde had ever seen before. Erotic, sexy, unadulterated.

When Olivia released her hand, she let out a shaky breath, unable to speak.

Finally, after a few moments, she knew how to coherently form thoughts.

"You make me so happy, Olivia. So does Noah."

Olivia sat up, legs wrapping around Amanda's lithe waist, "You deserve it, and so much more."

The younger woman shook her head, urging herself not to cry, "For a while.. I didn't- I didn't believe that I did. I didn't think I deserved to feel happiness. He always _took_ it from me. But Dr. Corra told me today that I needed to let myself be happy.. That I'd suffered enough. She said that Carter took my light from me, but he can't do that anymore. You and Noah.. you're my light. You're what I look forward to every second of every day."

Still holding herself up, Olivia let out a small burst of breath, tears in her eyes. With her free hand, she cupped the back of Amanda's head and pulled her in for a deep, passionate kiss. It told everything that word's couldn't. That, and so much more.

 **I'm thinking chapter 20 will be a good ending point for this story. I really enjoy writing Rolivia. It's so much easier, than trying to write any other ship. Somehow, the other ones felt forced to me. Rolivia is so natural, so "go with the flow", they're truly a magnificent pair. Up next… Amanda's turn. And chapter 20? Guess you'll have to wait and find out.** **Let me know what you thought of this chapter!**

 **Anna**


	19. Chapter 19

**I know I said it's Amanda's turn, but It seems too soon after her saying she isn't ready, so I'm going to wait a little while longer. Anyway, here's another one!**

 **Chapter 19**

The music was loud as Amanda dried and put away dishes, she hummed along to the sweet, old styled sound of Lyle Divinsky. The sweet sound filled her apartment, and she absentmindedly moved her body to the melody.

It was early Wednesday evening, she'd gone home from Olivia's earlier in the day to do some household chores. Seeing as she wasn't there most of the time, there wasn't much to do.

Her mind drifted as she listened to the music, thoughts of Olivia lingering permanently. The woman was consuming, but not in a bad way. She was all Amanda could ever think about, and it was a good feeling. Knowing Olivia thought about her too made her feel better about her small obsession. Her most recent memory of Olivia was her favorite one.

It was earlier that morning, and she was brushing her teeth while Olivia showered. She looked over to see the older woman step out and wrap a towel around her body, hair slicked back, dark skin dotted with water droplets. Her cheeks were rosy, most likely from the warmth of the water, and it was the most beautiful thing Amanda had ever seen.

She looked down at her hands, seeing that they'd stopped drying the plate, and she smirked.

Consuming might be an understatement.

The song changed to one she favored, and she set the dish and towel down, moving to the stereo to turn it up.

Moments like this were extremely rare. She'd never been happy and content with the way things in her life were, she'd never felt the need to just smile and dance and do productive things. She had Olivia to thank for it.

That woman was her whole life.

She swayed to the music, failing to hear the front door open, then click shut. Her eyes darted up a few moments later and she saw Olivia standing there, smile on her face.

She refused to be embarrassed though. She moved quickly over to Olivia, taking the older woman's hand in hers and twirling her.

Olivia let out a burst of laughter, ducking exaggeratedly, a small jab at their height difference.

Amanda slipped her fingers over the other woman's curvy hips and led their little dance. "I take it you're in a good mood?" Olivia murmured, smile still taking over her lips.

"All thanks to you."

Olivia wrapped her arms around the younger woman's neck, humming. "Why's that?"

"You let me _love_ you. Touch you. Kiss you. Confide in you. You loving me is the best part though." Amanda smiled shyly, standing on her tippy toes to kiss her girlfriend.

Olivia kissed her back, dominating immediately, pulling back seconds later. "Loving you is the easy part." She retorted, pulling their bodies closer.

Amanda pulled back slightly, letting their eyes lock. "This is hard to believe sometimes. Me and you, here, like this.."

"I have to pinch myself sometimes. You're so perfect." Olivia purred, fingers sliding up into Amanda's blond hair, fisting loosely before sliding back down.

The younger woman rolled her eyes, but didn't argue, knowing Olivia wouldn't take anything she had to say. "You didn't even like me when I first got to the unit."

The song had ended minutes ago, a new, quieter, slower track playing.

"It's not that I didn't _like_ you. I was just… Coping with my old partner leaving. He was a big part of my life that had just disappeared, then you walk in months later with your blonde hair and sexy blue eyes."

"Oh c'mon, Liv. Admit it, you didn't want me around."

Olivia laughed, leaning down to kiss the younger woman softly. "Maybe a smidge." She murmured jokingly.

Amanda rolled her eyes and pulled away, moving to turn the music off. "Where's Noah?" She asked out of instinct. She Thought about the boy constantly too.

"He was bugging Lucy and I about another "park date", so she agreed to take him. Gives me and my pretty girlfriend some time alone."

"Yeah? You should invite her over."

Olivia burst out laughing, a genuine, melodic sound. "Good one, _Blondie."_

"Well, I was just doing some dishes, so if you wanna help, it'll get done faster." Amanda hooked her pinky with Olivia's pulling the taller woman into the kitchen.

"I suppose." Olivia feigned disinterest.

Amanda grabbed the stereo remote, turning it back on, putting the volume on low and they got started. Amanda dried and Olivia put away.

Ten minutes later, they were done. Amanda grabbed some wine and a glass, "We can share, is that okay?"

Olivia nodded, removing her shoes, badge and gun.

Amanda poured and handed the glass to her girlfriend. "You worked today?"

Olivia sipped, "Mhm. Nothing new, so I left early. I'm on call though."

Amanda was quiet for a moment, watching as Olivia sipped more wine then set the glass down. She watched as she let her head lean back for a moment; she was obviously tired. Without thinking, Amanda scooted closer, wrapping her arm around her lover's waist and resting her chin on her shoulder.

"We should go out on a date." She blurted, cheeks staining with blush.

"A date, huh?" Olivia murmured, pausing for a moment. "Okay, yeah. The next weekend I have off will be ours."

Amanda smiled. "Okay."

She cupped Olivia's cheek, turning her head to press their lips together. They kissed until air was a necessity, and when Amanda pulled away, she bit her lip. "And after the date, I want to make love. Both of us."

Olivia shifted her body to look at Amanda intently. "Are you sure?"

The younger woman nodded, "I want to feel you."

Olivia bit her lip, then nodded. "Okay. But.. I know you don't think you will, you won't think you have to, but _at any time.._ If you feel uncomfortable? Please tell me to stop and I will. I don't want to make you have a flashback. I want to make you feel good, not scared."

Amanda rolled her eyes and smiled slightly, sidling up closer to her lover. "I promise I will tell you to stop."

"Good."

A beep interrupted their moment, and Olivia sighed. Amanda knew the text tone; it was work. She watched as Olivia check the message, then stood up and pocketed her phone.

"I gotta go. Do you wanna come over tomorrow after your meeting?" The older woman asked, pulling the blonde up from the couch. She ran her hands slowly up and down Amanda's back, "Maybe stay the night?" Her tone was low, sweet and hard to resist.

Amanda leaned in and kissed the woman deeply, nodding after pulling away. "Sounds good. I love you."

"I love you, too." Olivia smiled, squeezing their bodies together once more before slipping her badge, gun and shoes back on. She folded her jacket over her arm and spoke before opening the front door.

"I wanna dance with you more often."

Amanda smiled and blushed, "That can be arranged."

 **So. Amanda's turn won't be until after her next appointment with Dr. Corra. I want them to talk before, just to clear her mind. So far, Olivia's been having every weekend off and that's OOC so I will have her work saturday at least. I won't drag the next week out tho! Amanda's turn for sure on chapter 21 and 22! Then I'm gonna wrap things around chapter 25! Thanks for reading! Don't forget to R &R. **

**Anna**


	20. Chapter 20

**I'm all over the place.**

 **Chapter 20**

"How are you this evening, Amanda?" Dr. Corra smiled kindly, motion for the younger woman to take a seat.

"I'm…. Great actually. A lot better than a few weeks ago." She smiled, thinking about the progress she'd made in the past few weeks. Sex, Relationship, Sobriety chip.. She finally felt real happiness.

"No thoughts of gambling or your stepfather?" She asked curiously.

Amanda shrugged, eyes shooting down for a moment. "I always think about that stuff. But when I'm with Olivia or I think about her and Noah.. Those dark things don't matter. They've helped me a lot.. Olivia and Noah.. I don't know where I'd be without them."

Dr. Corra lit up at her response. "Do you have a photo of her little boy?"

Amanda blushed, smiling, "Yea, I have a whole bunch on my phone." She opened an album that held photos of the three of them and chose a photo of the three of them, handing it to Dr. Corra.

The photo was a selfie taken by Olivia, the three of them were outside, Noah was on Amanda's back, piggyback style, and Olivia had her lips pressed against Amanda's cheek while the little boy's face feigned a "yuck" face. Amanda wore the biggest smile.

"You make a beautiful family." Dr. Corra smiled, handing back the younger woman's phone. "Your happiness is radiant."

Amanda couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face. "They make me happy. I've never felt like this before."

The older woman leaned her elbows on her knees, "Would you say that they are the most important things in your life?"

"Without a doubt. I'm so in love with the both of them."

The raven haired woman nodded, jotting down a few things before questioning again. "Would you say that they are something that you work hard to keep? That putting yourself in danger is detrimental to your relationship?"

Amanda knew where this was going. "Two months ago, I didn't have anything to fight for. Two months ago I had a bottle of whiskey to be my support system. Now, I have the most beautiful woman who wants to love me every second, whom I love _every damn second,_ and a little boy that makes me want to be a better person. I'm not who I was before.. At least I don't believe I am."

Dr. Corra was silent. Smiling softly at Amanda. "I think, after a couple more sessions, you can go back to work. At least I'll clear you for work."

Amanda's eyes widened and she jolted to the edge of her seat. "Really?"

"You've made _astounding_ progress. I don't see why not."

 _Finally,_ Amanda thought to herself. _Finally._

…

Amanda pushed through the door of Olivia's apartment, her body jolting with energy and excitement and happiness. She couldn't wait to tell Olivia that she was almost cleared to come back to work.

Instead of the sight of Lucy and Noah playing though, she was met with her girlfriend, curled up on the couch with Noah. The younger woman furrowed her brow, and walked towards the preoccupied pair.

"What're you doing home so early?"

Olivia's body was mostly covered by a blanket. When she met her eyes with the younger woman, Amanda automatically knew that something was wrong.

The older woman bit her lip and pulled the blanket down, revealing a large bandage on her tank top clad shoulder.

"What the _fuck?!"_ Amanda gasped, bolting over to her lover.

Noah's eyes widened at the use of the bad word and looked at his mother as if he were telling on Amanda.

Olivia arched an eyebrow, "Language?"

"Sorry.. What _happened?"_ Amanda knelt in front of Olivia, hands brushing up and down her thighs comfortingly.

"Scuffle with a perp.. It's not as bad as this bandage let's on.. Just some glue and butterfly strips. I'm out of work for 4 days though.."

"Who's in charge?" Amanda asked, eyes roving over the white of the bandage and the exposed flesh of her lover.

"Fin. _Sergeant_ Fin." Olivia smirked, fingers taking through wavy blonde hair. "You haven't even said hi to me yet, you know. You just taught my son a new bad word and asked about work."

" _Hi."_ Amanda rolled her eyes, leaning up to kiss her lover softly on the lips.

"I kiss'd mommy's owie." Noah stated, obviously not liking the lack of attention in his direction.

"Yes you did baby and I feel _so_ much better." Olivia cooed, cupping her son's face and planting a kiss on his forehead.

"Mommy kisses my owies too! Dere magic fix-it's."

Amanda smiled, sliding her hand up Olivia's thigh and squeezing it suggestively, "I believe it."

Olivia arched an eyebrow and smiled, "Now that our Mandy is home, why don't we get dinner started?" She asked Noah, who automatically jumped up.

"We make hoddogs?"

"Sure, sweet boy."

Amanda stopped Olivia from getting up, leaning her hands on either side of the older woman's head on the couch. "I got dinner. You relax."

"Mmmm. You're too good to me." Olivia hummed leaning her head back, eyes drooping and a lazy smile taking over her lips. "After the kid's in bed, we can talk about why you came home so happy."

Amanda blushed, eyes dipping briefly to the older woman's cleavage. "You caught that?" She asked, smiling as well.

"I'm never not looking at you." Olivia flirted.

"Cheesy."

"Truth."

Amanda laughed and stood up straight. She began moving toward the kitchen, but gasped and spun around when she felt a light swat on her behind.

And just like that, she was turned on.

" _Lieutenant."_

Olivia bit her lip, suppressing a smile.

Before Amanda could say something, Noah's tiny voice sounded from the kitchen. "Man'na! We make mommy _hoddogs nowwww!"_

…

"Can I see it? I just wanna ease my mind so that I know it really isn't that bad." Amanda asked, fingering the edge of the gauze that had been taped to the older woman's tanned shoulder.

They'd eaten, watched cartoons, and Amanda had put Noah to bed only 10 minutes before she and Olivia made their way into the older woman's bedroom.

Olivia smiled sympathetically and nodded. She pulled the thin strap of her tank top down her shoulder and peeled the gauze away. She was right; it wasn't as bad looking as the large amount of padding insinuated it would be. maybe two or three inches long and not even a few millimeters deep.

Amanda leaned forward and kissed the slightly swollen area. "I'm glad you're okay."

"I'm glad I'm okay too. And I really loved watching you with him tonight. Letting him help with dinner… It looks good on you."

Amanda placed another kiss on Olivia's shoulder, then moved to the older woman's collarbone, slightly nipping the skin there. "What does?" She murmured, hand caressing Olivia's unharmed shoulder.

"Motherhood."

She stilled, lips partly opened, then she pulled away and looked at the other woman.

 _Motherhood._

"You're so good with my son, baby. I think I fall deeper in love with you the more I see you with him."

Amanda pressed her lips against Olivia's, feeling overwhelmingly happy in the moment. No- the _day._ She could even say that the past few weeks have been overwhelmingly joyous for her.

They kissed deeply while Amanda removed Olivia's top. It was stretchy enough to shove it down her waist and off her hips, along with her yoga pants and panties.

The younger woman surprised them both when she quickly removed her own shirt, leaving her in a white lace bra. She didn't want to stop. She wanted Olivia _so bad._ Without thinking, she unclasped her bra and tossed it onto the floor.

Olivia's breath hitched at the sight of Amanda's bare breasts.

"Amanda.."

Now was not the time to talk about what was going to happen. She knew that she'd told Olivia that she wanted to wait until their date, but everything was coming out now. She didn't want to hold back.

She got up from the bed, tossed Olivia's clothes to the side, then discarded her own bottoms and panties. They were both completely naked- scars and spots of marred skin on both of their bodies, but there was nothing more beautiful. Amanda climbed back onto the bed, on top of Olivia. She was careful not to put pressure on the older woman's wounded side.

She wasn't gonna lie and say she wasn't nervous as hell. But by now, Olivia had more than proven that she'd never hurt the blonde.

"Amanda.." Olivia murmured, caressing the soft skin of Amanda's hip. "We don't have to do a lot tonight, okay? Let's just test the waters."

Amanda nodded shakily, "What did you have in mind?"

Olivia bit her lip and moved a leg over her lover's hip, the other in between Amanda's legs. She scooted as close to the other woman as possible. Olivia spread her legs wider, and the moment their centers made contact, Amanda's eyes widened.

Jesus.

Olivia laid back on the bed, pulling Amanda with her, their wet cores still pressed intimately together. "Ride me." Olivia rasped, back arching for a better angle.

Amanda swallowed thickly, looking down at her naked lover, "Ride you?"

Olivia smiled almost too softly to be seductive, but too promiscuously to be innocent. She cupped Amanda's rear end, "This okay?" She asked cautiously.

"Yes." Amanda said shakily. "Now what?"

Olivia didn't speak. Instead, she pulled Amanda forward, simultaneously pressing her body into the other woman's. Amanda gasped and tilted her head back. She was sure she'd combust right then and there, and it was all because of the beautiful woman beneath her. She inhaled a strangled breath and leaned forward as much as she could and repeated the motion Olivia had showed her.

They fell into a slow, rough rhythm.

"God, you feel so good." Amanda whimpered, digging her fingers into Olivia's hair, bringing their faces closer together so that they could kiss.

Olivia groaned and arched her back as their grinding picked up in pace. They were both close. Amanda's first orgasm wasn't far off, and she knew it'd be an amazing one. It would be amazing because it's with Olivia.

She desperately wanted Olivia's hand or mouth between her legs but the older woman had the right idea with this. It's a good starting point.

Their tongues tangled as they neared their peaks, and finally, Amanda was the first one to tip over the edge. Her eyes widened and she froze, her body no longer able to move. She stared into big, brown eyes as her release washed over her.

"That's it, Manda, come for me." Olivia purred, bucking her hips the create friction.

Amanda shoved a hand between their legs, fingers coming in contact with her own clit and she pressed hard, needing the released to stronger. "Li-liv!" She squeaked, short, uneven pants coming out as she rode wave after wave of pure, unbridled, raw arousal.

When it finally subsided, she flopped down next to Olivia, making sure to fall on the uninjured side. "That was.."

"Incredible." Olivia panted, turning on her side to face the younger woman.

"You didn't…"

"I don't need to. Seeing you come for the first time makes up for it. You're so beautiful, Manda." She brushed her fingers across a flushed, pink cheek. "Are you okay that we did that before our date?"

"Absolutely not."

Olivia smiled contently, foot gently brushing up Amanda's leg, then back down.

Amanda turned her head to look at Olivia and smiled.

No matter how unsure she is about most of her decisions with herself, there is one thing that won't change. She's going to marry Olivia Benson one day.

 **I'm a chicken without a head lately, but I hope you like this one! Maybe only like… 5 chapters left. Then it's 3-4 parters, drabbles, and one shots for me. Leave a review, tell me what you thought, and I'll start working on chapter 21 as soon as I graduate HS on wednesday. Xx**

 **Anna**


	21. Chapter 21

**I'm gonna go ahead and bring this story to an end. Only because I'm running out of material for it and I don't want to drag it on. Don't worry, there will be plenty of drabbles and oneshots in the future. I love this pair.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 21**

It was nearly two weeks before Amanda and Olivia could finally have their date. Work got in the way, and Olivia was needed constantly for a particularly tough case. But now, on a balmy saturday nearly two weeks later, they were finally at one of the nicer restaurants in upper west Manhattan.

"I know I told you a billion times but you really look stunning, Liv." Amanda smiled shyly, letting her eyes roam appreciatively over her girlfriend.

"A compliment or a billion never hurt anyone.. But I could say the same about you. I didn't even know you owned a dress."

Amanda feigned shock and tossed her wadded up napkin at her lover, "I know how to be feminine."

Olivia arched an eyebrow seductively, "I can see that."

They hadn't had a chance to make love since the night of Amanda's first time. Tension had built up considerably and each make out session had been hotter and heavier. They were also constantly being interrupted by Olivia's phone.

So now, Olivia made it a priority to take the whole weekend off, and even paid Lucy extra to stay the night with Noah. She and Amanda would be going to the younger woman's place.

They had plans for each other.

"The wine here is really good," Olivia hummed, sipping the dark liquid.

Amanda smiled, looking at her ginger ale. She hadn't had a drink in months. She didn't know if she could control herself.

The older woman glanced at her lover, noticing the silence that followed her statement. "Do you want some of mine?"

Amanda arched an eyebrow in question, "Do you think that's a good idea?"

"A few sips aren't going to do any damage.. I trust you and I know you know your limit. You aren't an alcoholic." The conviction in Olivia's voice shook her. "You've made incredible progress, Baby. You deserve a little.. Celebratory wine."

The other woman smiled, taking the glass from Olivia and sipping appreciatively. She did enjoy a good wine.

Surprisingly, she didn't feel the need to drink more. She gave the stemware back to Olivia and licked her lips. "That is really good."

"Told you."

Their fingers laced on the tabletop, sending prickles of electricity through their bodies. Amanda would never get over how much she craved Olivia. The intensity of her love and adoration and lust for the woman was shocking; though not unwelcome.

They sat in a comfortable silence as they finished their meals, deciding to forego dessert. Sweet food always made Amanda tired, and she wanted to be awake and alert for what was going to happen when they got back to her place.

When it was time to go, Amanda stopped Olivia before she could take out her wallet. "This is my thanks to you for being so Amazing."

"You don't have to thank me, Manda.."

The blonde rolled her eyes and slapped a few bills on the pay tray. "But I am so deal with it."

They stood up and locked fingers before making their way out of the nice restaurant.

"We need to come back here. I really like it." Olivia murmured absentmindedly, leaning into her girlfriend.

"We can bring Noah next time. It has some foods he'd like." Amanda replied, oblivious to the knowing smile on the older woman's lips.

"It kinda turns me on.. how much you love him. Seeing you in mommy mode is sexy."

"Now you know how I felt when I'd see you come to the precinct, him on your hip. Don't kill me for saying it, but you're a MILF."

The taller woman stopped short, barely able to contain her laughter. "A 'milf'?"

Amanda threw her hands up and stepped backwards a bit, "I'm just callin' it as I see it. Half the precinct will agree with me, too." She paused, thinking about her words. "But if they voiced their agreement, there'd be a whole lot of problems."

Olivia smirked and wrapped her arms around the younger woman's waist.

"There's only one woman 'I'd Like to Fuck.' But I can't do that if we're on this side walk, and not in her bed."

…

She had Amanda on her back, naked on the bed, only seconds after entering the younger woman's apartment.

Any and all hesitation and fear had left the blonde's body the moment their lips connected. She trusted Olivia with everything inside of her. She was going to thoroughly enjoy coming for her lover.

They kissed deeply, tongues wrestling as they worked together to divest each other of any remaining clothing.

Amanda shocked the older woman by flipping their position and slinking down her body, immediately taking Olivia's sensitive clit into her mouth. She held her lover's hips down as they bucked, and moaned at the heady taste of the other woman's sex.

She knew Olivia was close, she could feel it in the way her body shook with every exhale. She felt hands slip into her hair, fingers tangling in her curled blonde locks. Moments later, Olivia released against her tongue, deep moans leaving her body, hips rolling and thighs clenching.

Olivia's sweet flavor was pure ecstasy. It ramped the younger woman up, wiring her to the max. She needed more. She needed her own release.

"Scoot up," Olivia husked, tugging the younger woman softly by the hair.

Amanda obliged, straddling the older woman's waist. She gasped when Olivia continued to pull her up until she was hovering over her face. She grasped the headboard with both hands.

"Is this okay?" Olivia whispered, caressing the tops of Amanda's thighs. They were both still hesitant but also turned on beyond words. Amanda never wanted anyone as much as she wanted Olivia.

"Yes." She whispered back hurriedly, lowering her body slightly until she felt Olivia's lips against her most sensitive and intimate area. The thought of anyone other than Olivia between her legs made her physically sick, but right in this moment, arousal and trust and love was all she felt.

She tilted her head back and grasped the headboard tighter when she felt the first swipe of Olivia's tongue through her slit. She couldn't stop her hips from grinding softly against Olivia's face. It was perfect, everything in this moment was absolutely perfect.

The older woman's tongue slithered through her wet nether lips and dipped into her tight opening, effectively wrenching a strangled moan from her girlfriend. Olivia moved back up to the younger woman's clit and sucked it roughly into her mouth, flicking it rapidly with her tongue. Amanda let out a sharp yelp and looked down between her legs to see the dark brown eyes of her lover boring up into her. Her pupils- from what she could see- were blown, giving her naturally light brown eyes, a dark and murky look.

She flew apart in that moment, their gazes locking until the force of her orgasm made her eyes slam shut.

"Oh god, Olivia… Fuuuuuck."

Spent, the blonde flopped down on the bed next to the other woman, both panting.

"You taste divine," Olivia murmured, turning her head to look at Amanda. "I'm going to be pissed if I have to wait another two weeks before I can taste you again."

"You won't even need to wait two hours. I'll be ready for round two as soon as I get feeling in my legs back." The younger woman shot back.

Olivia let out a breathy chuckle and turned to wrap Amanda in her arms. "I love you." She mumbled, kissing the soft skin of her girlfriend's shoulder.

"I love you too, Liv."

They cuddled close to each other, legs tangled and fingers entwined. The moment was something Amanda would never forget. Her first orgasm, two weeks ago, was amazing. But this one; it was the most intense feeling she'd ever had the pleasure of enduring.

She looked at Olivia, who was still trying to calm her breathing, and before she could stop herself, she muttered the words.

"I wanna marry you."

She felt Olivia's body still, felt her breathing stop, and she let her eyes graze over her lover's stricken face.

"I-" She began to apologize, but was cut off immediately by a hungry pair of lips.

They fused together, Olivia quickly climbed on top of Amanda, straddling the younger woman's slender hips, all while kissing fiercely. When they pulled apart, Amanda cupped Olivia's bottom and squeezed appreciatively. "So you don't think two and a half months is too soon?"

Olivia ground down, shaking her head. She had a wide, seductive smile on her face. Amanda could tell Olivia was elated.

"Time is nothing when feelings are real."

"So you'll marry me?" Amanda asked shyly, breathily.

"Probably."

…

"Mommy an' Aman'na! You home!" Noah boasted as the two women walked into Olivia's apartment.

Olivia smiled and knelt down, arms open wide for the boasting young boy. "Sweet boy! Did you have fun with lucy?"

"Yup! We maked pa'cakes for you an' man'na!"

Amanda couldn't hold back any longer, instead, moving to run her fingers through the soft locks of her lover's son. "That's so sweet of you, tiger! You're the best."

"Fank you! Lesss eat dem b'fore dey get COLD!" He pumped his little fists in the air and bolted into the kitchen, past the three women standing in the entrance of the living room.

"Thank's for staying, Luce," Olivia smiled, pulling an envelope out of her purse. "There's something extra in there. I'm also giving you tomorrow and Monday off."

"Oh, it's no problem. Thank you though!" Lucy gave her goodbye half-hugs and made her way out of the apartment. It was just the three of them now, and Amanda loved it. She loved her little family.

Olivia took advantage of the minute alone and pulled Amanda in for a quick kiss. "I love you." She murmured, hand caressing her waist adoringly.

"I love you too." Amanda smiled back, kissing her girlfriend once more before moving past to go into the kitchen.

Before she walked out of reach of Olivia, she quickly swatted the older woman's behind.

The brunette spun around, eyebrow arched. "What was that for?"

"Payback."

Olivia rolled her eyes and laughed.

An hour later, they were all curled up on the sofa, a cartoon movie playing and effectively distracting Noah. The two women snuck kisses and lingering touches throughout, the aftereffects of their night of lovemaking still lingering in the air around them.

She'd made great progress since starting the therapy sessions and she planned on continuing them, even after going back to work. Persistence is key, and in this case, a good support system too. She didn't know her life could take the turn that it did; a woman she was going to marry and a little boy that she loved as her own. This was the life she'd always wanted, the one she dreamt about as a little girl, and after turmoil and trauma and sadness, she finally had it. A life that was hers and Olivia's and Noah's. She had plans for the future and goals and things to look forward to.

Recklessness wasn't on the agenda.

 **End.**

 **Hope it didn't completely suck.**


	22. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

The rays of sunlight filtered in through the soft curtains. Amanda lay awake, staring at the woman before her, bathed in the early morning light. Her hand skimmed up the side of her lover's curvaceous waist, over her breast and resting on her tanned cheek.

Every single day, she fell deeper in love with this woman. Her wife. The mother of their child, the keeper of her heart. It'd been nearly 2 years since their relationship began, and six months since they'd vowed to stick by each other's sides until death do them part. Amanda had transferred out of the 16th after they disclosed their relationship, took the sergeant's exam, passed, and was now second in command of Jersey SVU.

She stared at Olivia's sleeping form, taking inventory of her features. The way her eyelashes rested softly on her cheeks, how her lips were slightly parted, hair spread out over the soft white pillow. This Olivia was her favorite. Her second favorite Olivia was the one in the midst of an orgasm. She'd seen nothing more beautiful than the woman she loved coming down from a heady climax.

"Has anyone ever told you that watching someone sleep is creepy?"

The raspy, tired voice of her wife jarred her out of her thoughts, her deep study of features.

"I like looking at you. Is that so wrong?" She sassed, straddling the older woman's waist.

"Certainly not. Only because I like looking at you too." Olivia smiled lazily, fingers tracing the soft skin of Amanda's bare thighs. One thing the younger woman noticed in Olivia was that she wasn't as cautious as she was in the beginning of their relationship. If the brunette wanted to take charge, she would, and Amanda didn't question nor fear the woman when she was dominant. Trust was their #1 quality and they both shared it explicitly.

Amanda leaned forward, on hand drifting down between their bodies while the other rests next to Olivia's head on the bed. "How long do you think we have until he's up?" She murmured, slipping her fingers into the older woman's panties.

"Assuming he's not already up? Ten minutes. Give or take." Olivia parted her legs best she could while in their current position, letting her wife touch her intimately.

Before anything could be taken further, there was a bustling and light pitter patter closing in on their bedroom door.

Amanda extracted her hand and jumped out of bed, grabbing the closest shirts she could find for her and Olivia to cover up.

They slipped their shirts on expertly just as their bedroom door opened. "Mommy? Manda?"

Olivia covered her bare legs with the thin navy sheet and smiled at her son. "Morning, baby."

He climbed on the bed, nestling between the two women. "What's for breakfast?" He asked, letting his head fall on Amanda's lap, feet splayed over his mother's legs.

"I'll make pancakes, bud. Do you think you can feed Tiger while mommy and I get up? Then I'll come in and we can make mommy some breakfast."

He bolted up, nearly falling off the large bed. "Okay! Tigerrrrrr!" He called, padding out of the room. Moments later, a teenaged sized cat slinks out from under the bed, following the boy out of the room.

"That cat needs to find another sleeping spot. I don't want to orgasm with it in the room."

Amanda laughed, tossing a pair of yoga pants to her lover, "It's not like she _knows_ what's going on."

Olivia slipped out of the bed and put the pants on, ignoring her wife's appreciative stare. "Doesn't matter. It's weird. She can sleep in Noah's room." She sauntered into their bathroom, prepared to get ready for the day. She popped her head out as Amanda was changing into casual clothes, "Is the kitchen fully unpacked? I don't remember taking the big bowls and spoons out yet."

Amanda waved her off, "I got it, don't worry about it. I'm gonna go make that kid some food before he goes on another rampage fueled by hunger." She moved past Olivia, grabbing her toothbrush, and moving back out of the bathroom.

"You do that."

Amanda smirked, swatting Olivia's behind before leaving the room completely. She'd taken to doing that often, letting the older woman know exactly which asset was her favorite.

…

Later that day, they all gathered in their new living room, including Tiger, for a movie. They often took advantage of their days off, especially when they had the same day off.

Noah was cuddled into his mother, as usual, fingers playing with her hair as they watched the newest 'Cars' movie, which was Noah's choice.

They craved these kinds of days, knowing they were few and far in between.

Amanda had continued therapy sessions with Dr. Corra, but only twice a month instead of a few times a week. She knew she had a lot to work through, but having her wife and _son_ by her side made it easier and more bearable.

She looked at her family and smiled. She had everything she wanted and so much more.

Finally.

 **I know it's really short, but it's cute and it ends this whole thing on a really fluffy note. Thanks for trekking this journey with me. Many more stories to come!**

 **Anna**


End file.
